WASHINGTON, DC – 35 Republican senators voted against a defense bill that included hate crime legislation. They claim it was based on cuts in anti-zombie spending.
“This bill would have put our nations homes and schools in grave danger!” Georgia Representative Saxby Chambliss said to cheers from fellow Republicans. “Our great nation cannot afford to gut our zombie defense spending. And that is exactly what the Democrats would have us do.”
When asked if they voted against the bill because it also contained legislation making violence based on sexual orientation a federal crime the Republicans got very quiet and murmured awkwardly for nearly a minute. “Zombies are threatening America!” shouted one Senator from the back, and the rest quickly joined in.
Sean Hannity had financial expert Arthur Zweigg on his show to talk about the bill: “Frankly, Sean, I didn’t see any evidence of cuts to Zombie protection spending.”
“Why do you hate America?”
“Excuse me? I don’t-“
“You want Zombies to crash through our windows and destroy America. By supporting this bill, you’re supporting Zombies. So you must hate America!”
Zombie outbreaks are a growing fear in the country right now. With our still weak economy and flu season around the corner the nation’s people and infrastructure are particularly vulnerable. The Obama administration has promised an overhaul to the country’s Zombie Outbreak policy, however the Democrats have yet to come up with an effective strategy to deal with the zombie threat.
Republicans continue to avoid accusation that their denial of the bill was related to its support of gay rights. Most quickly change the subject to a popular talking point or other rhetorical device. When cornered in a mens room on capital hill Saxby Chambliss stopped washing his hands and jumped out a window, screaming “No comment!” on the way down. Senator Chambliss received no major injuries from the incident.