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I’m madder than Lindsay Lohan with a stuffed up nose about that moron Matt Damon.

That stupid movie star called right wing pundit Bill Kristol an “idiot.” Now some internet guy says he’ll pay Matt Damon $100,000 to debate Kristol. Kristol said sure. Matt Damon? Well, he clammed up all of a sudden!

What a pansy! Lord knows Matt could use the money, since he couldn’t even cough up 50 grand to go to his beloved Communist-in-Chief’s Inaugural (which I just heard through the computer machine is Latin for “pagan litter festival.”)

Anyway, I’ve got an even better idea.

Matt Damon plays a secret agent in a bunch of movies, so I figure a better match for him than Bill Kristol would be the great G. Gordon Liddy.

That’s right! You ignorant young folks think Mr. Liddy is that old bald guy with the big moustache who yells at you to buy gold on TV. But long ago, “the G-Man” broke into the Watergate building to steal some crazy commie traitor’s medical records. Then he wouldn’t narc on his boss, President Nixon, so he went to jail.

Liddy’s spent 100 days in solitary. He’s also a crack shot, rode to Sturgis with the Hell’s Angels and survived Catholic school. As a kid, the G-Man ate a dead rat’s charbroiled butt just to see if he could. Today, at 92, Liddy can still hold his hand over a candle flame for something like three whole hours without even blinking.

And Matt Damon? Well, he pretends to do brave stuff in the movies and wears a lot of goop in his hair.

FLAMMABLE goop, Mr. Giddy.

Just trying to help out a fellow patriot.