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Fly-Eyed Baby!


MUSCATINE, Iowa — A local hospital recently revealed that Allan Collinson, son of Ted and Dede Collinson, was born with fragmented, refracted eyes.

“At first I thought they were just really, really bright,” said his proud but confused mother. “Like he was angelic or something. But when they handed the swaddled newborn to me and I looked close, I saw they were like diamonds. That’s when I started talking real loud and real fast. I didn’t want to start screaming, ’cause that might scare the baby.”

“We call them ‘multi-faceted ocularities,’” explained Dr. Wayne Dickens, the country’s leading optometrist/pediatrician, who traveled from Accokeek, Maryland to offer his assistance to the family. “Even though little Allan is the first child born with this condition, we’ve been expecting this for some time now. In this age of PCs, video iPods, videogames, cell phones, HD-TVs, those wonderful Blu-ray players, and every other light source today’s generation stares into for hours at a stretch, it was only a matter of time before nature took its course.”

Dr. Dickens foresees a time in the not-so-distant future when all newborn eyes will be genetically predisposed to handle the demands put on them by the modern age. “This is not an aberration. This is evolution!” For their part, mama and papa Collinson are just happy that baby Allan has all his fingers and toes.

“I’m told it will look, to him, like he has about eight hundred digits, but he’ll get used to that,” his mother said. “Right,” agreed Ted. “If he had come out a full-fledged fly-baby, we’d be a little concerned — though we wouldn’t love him any less.”

For now he’s just the couple’s bright-eyed boy. “Though you don’t get into a staring contest with him,” Ted added. “Trust me, you’d lose.”