NEW YORK, NY – Bernard Madoff was sentenced yesterday for committing the biggest ponzi scheme in history. The courts are insuring he serves as much time as possible.
In a New York court yesterday, a federal judge sentenced Bernard Madoff to 150 years in prison. Madoff plead guilty to stealing over $68 billion from his clients, leaving many of them financially destitute. After initially making a run for it, Madoff was finally brought to justice by friend of the Weekly World News, Bat Boy. Bat Boy was a key witness in Madoff’s resisting arrest charge, and was in the court room for sentencing. US District judge Denny Chin said that Madoffs actions were “extraordinarily evil” and that he “will be made an example of” to future white collar criminals.
According to court papers, Bernard Madoff will be kept alive by whatever means necessary to serve his entire 150 year sentence. When medical science begins to fail and death appears imminent, his body will be cryogenically frozen, to be thawed at a time when he can be treated and made to serve the remainder of his sentence. Only after his sentence is completed in full will Madoff be allowed to die.
Thanks to a special arrangement between the Federal courts and legal representatives of Hell, Madoff’s suffering will not be limited to this life. In a deal brokered shortly before sentencing, the court has ensured that upon his death Madoff’s soul will receive special treatment in his own private section of Hades. Madoff will be sent through washing and drying machines, to remind him of all the money he laundered in life. Night after night for millennia, he will be washed in scalding water, wrung out and dried with Satan’s undergarments. During the days he will work as the assistant fry cook at a fast food restaurant, serving angry representatives of those he stole from in life.
Some have argued if this sentencing is extreme, and if the Federal court has any business making deals with the Devil. In answer to this, Judge Chin said, “He deserves it.”