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TOILET SNAKES IN MANHATTAN!


NEW YORK – Large numbers of residents in Manhattan and the Bronx have been finding snakes in their toilets.

Forget Snakes on a Plane, there’s Snakes in the Potty!

Yesterday, a Bronx resident went to his bathroom and found a three-foot corn snake  “comfortably coiled” on his toilet seat. Apparently it swam through the plumbing. Standing on his kitchen table, he told the cops, “get the mother%^*king snake off my mother%^*ing toilet!”

New York cops said that reports of “toilet snakes” have been increasing every day.  “We used to get one or two of these calls a year,” said Officer Chris Blanton, “but in the last month we’ve been getting over three hundred a day.  I think there’s a serious snake problem in the city.”

This snake was pulled out of an Upper West Side toilet this morning:

Snakes have not only been popping up in toilets, but they’ve also been coming out of bathtubs, kitchen sinks and the FDNY has reported seeing some snakes shooting out of open fire hydrants. “They’re everywhere,” said New York Police Officer Tania Johnson.  “We’ve got a major snake infestation problem in this city.”

All the snakes captured by the NYPD and Animal Control have been Corn Snakes.  A corn snake is a North American species of rat snake. They subdue their small prey with constriction.[he name “Corn Snake” is a holdover from the days when southern farmers stored harvested ears of corn in a wood frame or log building called a crib. Rats and mice came to the corn crib to feed on the corn, and corn snakes came to feed on the rodents.

Ophiologists (snake experts) and Herpetologists (reptile experts) all say that corn snakes will not harm humans. “Oh, there’s a chance a corn snake might bite your buttocks, but it’ll be nothing more than a little prick, you probably won’t even feel it,” said Dr. Chad Wentzal of the University of Alabama. “I just don’t know how all them corn snakes got into the New York toilets. That’s what has us all puzzled.”

“It’s Al-Qaeda,” said conspiracy theorist, Fritz Barnkopf, who lives in Greenwich Village.  “We have things pretty locked down in New York now, the terrorists have to try something new.  They probably slipped in from New Jersey with the snakes and then let them loose in the water supply.  It’s a brilliant terrorist plot, everybody’s afraid of having a snake come out of the toilet. I don’t even go to the bathroom anymore.  I’m holding it.”

Snake exterminators from all over the country and snake charmers from all over the world are coming to New York City to help New York Animal Control deal with the snake problem.

In the meantime, authorities advise all New Yorkers to “look before you sit.”  They went on to say, “And don’t forget to put the seat down!”