NORTH CAMPUS COUGAR

A cougar has been terrorizing students of the University of Michigan.
University of Michigan Public Safety officials said they’re searching for traces of a cougar  reportedly spotted by local residents today on North Campus.
The cougar has been roaming the campus for the last two weeks.  There haven’t been any deadly attacks yet, but the cougar has chased numerous students and many are afraid to go out at night.
“We’re not going anywhere at night any more,” said Marsha Toolan of North Campus.  “We’re just staying in our dorm and partying, which is working out fine. We’ve had some great Cougar Parties.”

At first, some students thought it was  joke and that there were forty-year-old women on campus stalking the young male students.  “Dude, I didn’t know it was a real cougar. That’s sh*ts crazy,” said Tyler Milford.  “But I want to encourage older women to come here too… we’re ready.”
University of Michigan Campus Cops were searching the woods nearby for the prowling cougar, but several of them turned back because… “hell, we were scared.  We weren’t hired for this type of thing.  It’s about time they call in the FBI or something.”

The FBI hasn’t been called.  But Ted Nugent is from Michigan and he has volunteered to “hunt and kill that cat.  I’ll eat him for dinner next week.”