Dear Readers,
Sometimes the spooky world of the web lands a letter in my lap. Thanks to everyone who forwarded me this mess of a romance:
ASTRAL PROJECTION AFFAIR WITH VAMPIRE DAMPENS DREAMS
OK, so I had this conversation with my boyfriend of two years today. We plan on moving in together in the next six months. He was talking about how he’s astrally traveled a few times and met a very attractive woman who takes the form of a vampire. He’s met her four times. She’s taking him back in time to Versailles in France. He says I’m the love of his life and this life but she’s the love of his life in the next. He explicitly told me we won’t be together in the afterlife, he’s going to be with her. He even said he wants to be buried in Versailles because “that’s where she is.” As you can imagine, I feel very hurt and don’t quite know how to react to this. I got very jealous. The thought of him leaving me for some entity upsets me greatly. How should I deal with this? Is a relationship over?
—Surprised Friend With This-Life-Only Benefits
Dear Surprised Friend with This-Life-Only Benefits,
We’ve all been there. As soon as commitment squeezes the future into a single path, the wide world of next-life vampire love comes calling. How can a flesh-and-blood mortal compete with an adoring femme who can never die?
Honey? You astral on out to a mighty warlock and ride his eternal stallion to a place without jobs, laundry, or gravity. So, while the boyfriend is sucking this life out of you, you can comfort yourself knowing the next will hold far more gratification. Just don’t be surprised if you all end up in a screaming match at Waffle House. It’s the hottest spot for astral projection these days. Order the hash browns; they’re the best, this life or the next!
—Dotti
OLD MAN MAFIA CONTROLS PICKLEBALL TILL DEATH!
Dear Dotti,
I turned 60 and naturally wanted to start playing pickleball. But the 65-plus bullies in my neighborhood have taken over every public court! This Old Man Mafia doesn’t use horse heads; they control the paddle rack! The second I set my paddle down, they stop dinking and stare until I question every decision in my life. Every game ends with, “Who’s got next?” But somehow, the answer is never me. Online reservations disappear within seconds. I fear I’ll never be old enough to become a “made” old man mafioso and earn a spot on Court One.
—Signed, Dink-Dink-Dead
Dear Dead Dink,
Start eating your vegetables, ‘cause the only way to beat an old man is to outlive him in the court of life. Just like getting a good apartment in New York, keep your eye on the obituaries. Every pickleball court has a Don, two captains, and one guy who announces the score loud enough for neighboring counties, and none of them live forever.When the paddle rack moves in your favor, be ready—if you live that long.
—Dotti
Bye for now, editor@weeklyworldnews.com – just remember to include my name – Dotti with an I – for incendiary.
