Let’s find out who’s the victim and who’s the problem. Send your twisted tales to editor@worldweeklynews.com, and I’ll straighten you out.
Mabyel-By-Mailboy
Dear Dotti,
Because our addresses are nearly identical, I get the town spinster’s mail: coffin brochures, catalogs for compression socks, and nice cards from her nephews. Those go right in the trash. Last week, an envelope marked deliver only to Maybel Swartzball arrived. I opened it. It was empty, but now my house isn’t. The lights flicker, the water runs and all my pencils are flying across the room! Did I mention she was a schoolteacher for fifty years?
– Signed, Hall Pass to Hell
Dear Hell’s Hall Pass,
The Curse of Maybel-by-Mailbox must be broken before you get pencil-stabbed in the neck! Write out “I will not open other people’s mail” fifty times – with GOOD penmanship – and walk it up to your doppelganger’s address. Be polite and contrite and hope she’ll lift the curse.
— Dotti
VEGETABLE BONDING
Dear Dotti,
My wife said she NEVER eats vegetables, but I found a picture of her and her ex consuming a green bean like Lady and The Tramp!
– Signed, IS LOVE EVEN REAL?
Dear, Dear, Dear.
No.
— Dotti
MR. GRUMBLES
Dear Dotti,
My son’s gerbil died, but we swapped in a new Mr. Grumbles before he noticed. Now we’re three replacement rodents in and my son’s bragging that his pets never die. Kids are bringing their sick dogs to our door and begging for his power to sustain life! Did we create a televangelist?
– Signed, Too Many Miracles Around Here
Dear Miracle-Worker,
You dug this gerbil grave, and now you’ll have to keep lying in it. Fortunately, every successful televangelist knows miracles aren’t free. Blessings cost Benjamins. Don’t they want Fluffy to have the best chance possible?
— Dotti
THE ROAD TO TRILLIONS
Dear Dotti,
I want to be a trillionaire. Where do I start? – Signed, Ready to Be Rich
Dear Ready,
Start by convincing other people that your dream is their dream. That’s the trillionaire starter kit. Add a black turtleneck, a distant look in your eye, and a complete immunity to shame.
— Dotti
Until next time, make good choices. The rest of you, write me.
— Dotti
