CURSED TEXTS LEFT UNTRANSLATED!

Professors Warn: Cuts in Funding and Tenure Cause Havoc! Ancient Evils REMAIN A SECRET!

Recent labor strife at colleges and universities has unmasked long-term issues in academia,. From low wages, precarious employment, and lower-quality education for students to the cost of intellectual inquiry. And a new report from the National Endowment for the Humanities finds the humanities are underfunded. This has left many ancient, cursed texts untranslated and the hidden evils in the world unreleased.

“Underfunding of the study of ancient languages, civilizations, gods, demons, and accursed texts has been a real tragedy. It’s led to a decline in the exploration and understanding of the dark forces that exist beyond the veil!”

The report states that without proper support universities could lose their preeminent position in the field. The cursed texts will fall to the domain of eccentric billionaires with questionable motivations.

“This would set the field back more than 150 years. Back to when cursed texts were solely the domain of affluent white Europeans. Those scholars had a rapacious appetite for the novel. This led to huge swaths of accursed texts to be stolen,” warned Dr. Jeanette Marx, professor of West African Studies at NYU.

THE FALLOUT

The economic and racial barriers could harm the study of the field according to Dr. Kareem Onai, Professor of Ancient Languages at the University of Minnesota.

“The post-World War II democratization of education and diversity efforts opened the field to more students and new interpretations. You only need to look at the work of Jordan Peele, to understand the value of diverse looks into preternatural sciences,” Onai said.

That tension has been one of the factors driving the strike of 48,000 graduate students and other academic workers at the University of California’s 10 campuses. Tanabe Hitomi, a postgraduate researcher of ancient Indian languages, said that dimming chances for career prospects motivated him to strike.

“Right now I have to teach several classes on a low salary, with no hope of tenure. I don’t even have a paid sabbatical which would allow me to translate ancient tomes,” Hitomi said, “A great deal of knowledge is lost when academia is measured by papers graded and degrees granted, not knowledge gained when demons are unearthed.”

The study findings have been backed not just by public colleges and universities facing political pressure to focus on STEM and other fields. But even in religious colleges and seminaries seemingly immune to the market pressures of capitalism.

“The marketization of public college by capitalism are like the effect of secularization of society has had on the Church,” says Father John O’Brien of the Mount Angel Seminary in Oregon.

THE CHURCH DEALING WITH THE ISSUE

O’Brien said secularization has resulted in fewer priests, putting pressure on the Church’s own studies.

“Many of our incoming priests can barely conjugate a verb in Latin, let alone study ancient languages like Aramaic. And those who are talented enough are so busy filling in for masses and weddings, they are too tired even to investigate reports of demon possession.” Father O’Brien said.

Even the armed services have weighed in. They are warning that the US risks falling behind in its preeminent spot in defense against ancient evils that it has held since World War II.

“Ever since America helped save Europe from the Nazi menace with the help of Dr. Henry Walton, America has been the leader in preternatural defense research,” wrote Michael T. Plehn, president of the National Defense University.

“We’ve outdone the Soviets. But Russia is increasingly desperate to win in Ukraine. So now is not the time to neglect the humanities and the study of ancient cursed texts,” Plehn concluded.

The National Endowment for the Humanities report ended with a warning. The failure to invest in public universities’ study could see the whole field in the hands of unstable actors.

“Without action now, the world’s great hidden powers could fall into the wrong hands. Maybe in the hands of Jeff Bezos, Bill Gates, or, God-forbid (literally), that nutjob Elon Musk,” the report stated.