ROME WAS BUILT IN A DAY!

Archaeologists make a startling discovery!

ROME, ITALY — Here’s a newsflash to all those underachievers who fall back on the old claim that ‘Rome wasn’t built in a day.’

“Turns out it was,” says Phoenix Institute archaeologist professor Rupert Valt.

City workers found the proof in an old earthen jar. They were digging a sewer line in the heart of the old city.

‘When we opened the jar we found tablets carved with the plans for building Rome. There was also a work schedule,” said Professor Valt.

“The schedule called for 20,000 workers, soldiers, and slaves to be on the construction site at 5 a.m. sharp. Romulus and Remus signed the plans themselves. The schedule a tight 24-hour timeframe in which to complete construction – from beginning to end.”

“This is a very exciting discovery,” gushed historian Inga Borr of the Medici Community College. “According to legend, the twin brothers settled Rome in 753 B.C. on one of the Seven Hills of Rome — Palatine Hill. We now have proof that supervised the construction project. Romulus, in particular, was a great General Contractor.

A Roman builder named Horticus prepared the blueprints and work schedule. The city workers also found his diary in the jar.

“It’s a big jeroboam,” Valt commented. “A magnum-sized jug.”

With winter fast approaching, Horticus proposed a plan to replace the hundreds of tents and caves with a proper city. He wanted the city to have dwellings, shops, roads and parks, temples and public spaces, arenas, and theaters. He had a bold vision.

“Horticus was evidently quite full of himself,” Ms. Boring remarked.

HOW IT HAPPENED

On the morning of October 20, 752 B.C., just a year after the founding — “Remember, the B.C. years count backward,” Boring added, “construction began. Every man, woman, and child in Rome set to work under Horticus’ direction.

“The burliest men cut white and azure marble in the quarries, the dust of which turned their collars blue. The men used horses and wooden cranes to haul the stones to the hill.”

“The work went relatively smoothly,” professor Valt noted. “There were some instances of workers not pulling their weight. Horticus would often point to them and say ‘Trumpusssum.’ This was a Latin phrase that translates to ‘You’re fired.’ Although, in this case, it meant workers would literally be set on fire. It was an extremely persuasive technique to encourage workers not to slack at all.”

Because of the strict discipline, the building of Rome was actually finished in 23 hours and 49 minutes.

“Romulus and Remus rewarded Horticus with a palace,” professor Valt said. “It was the first casino in Rome.”

“When we heard this revelation you could have knocked us over with a feather,” said Dr. Raoul Platitute, director of the Central Language Institute for Collecting Historic Evidence.

“Here at C.L.I.C.H.E. the saying, ‘Rome wasn’t built in a day has always been one of our bedrocks. We’ll have to change it, of course. We’re considering ‘Saskatchewan wasn’t built in a day.” But we’d welcome any thoughts or ideas your readers may have.”