SENDS SHOCKWAVES THROUGH WALL STREET!
Weekly World News reports shocking findings from Ph.D. Ape. Among his many talents, he is
also a noted economic theorist and has been studying the physics of entrepreneurial
egos for decades.
Ph.D. Ape’s research has confirmed that egos do indeed have mass and through a range of external
metrics, such as financial, political, or artistic success, this mass can grow in scale.
While this theory has been widely accepted for years, largely through anecdotal evidence, Ph.D.
Ape’s research has uncovered a very dark and disturbing natural law that yields horrifying
outcomes when the ego reaches what Ph.D. Ape calls “critical mass.”
Dr. Ape’s studies have tracked the financial success of many entrepreneurs over years, while
also taking periodic weight measurements of their egos. Through his studies, Ph.D. Ape and his
team of simian researchers have demonstrated a clear correlation between financial success, in
this case, measured as net worth, and the mass of an entrepreneur’s ego.
AS THE EGO GOES…
Underlying Ph.D. Ape’s research was his development of a quantum ego spectroscale (QES) able
to measure the mass of the largest of human egos to within 1/10th of a pound, whereas existing
technology remains sufficient for most ego assessments.
“Ironically, we have reached a sort of ‘end of time’ in the cycles of capitalism,” Ph.D. Ape
postulates, “as the scale of financial success is reaching never-before-seen heights. Our studies
have proven that at a certain point, the expansion of personal wealth stimulates an ego mass of
such scale – that it becomes a crushing cosmic weight, certain to annihilate the financial success
that created it.
“Based on our research, we now know that once an ego surpasses the 400-ton mark, the laws
of financial dynamics, just like gravity, clearly dictate that it will steadily crush its underlying
financial supports into oblivion. Our close work on the net worth and ego mass trends of Elon
Mask clearly show this inevitable triggering effect is slated for activation in approximately 5
To prevent such an occurrence, Ph.D. Ape counsels leading entrepreneurs on contra-capitalists
initiatives, such as profit sharing or anti-monopolistic policies, aimed at protecting them from
morbidly obese egos.