5 THINGS TO AVOID DURING An ALIEN ABDUCTION

Alien abductions can be quite traumatic. But they don’t have to be.

These tips, gathered over decades of WWN research and personal experience, will help make your next close encounter feel less like an alien invasion—for you and for the advanced beings who plucked you from the cornfield.

Leave the tinfoil hats at home

If you think tinfoil hats keep aliens away, you’re wrong. Dead wrong! In fact, it attracts them. Just like road-trippers on Earth, intergalactic travelers often bring snacks from home. And their preferred method of preservation? Yep, tinfoil—one of many everyday inventions we owe to extraterrestrials. So, a tinfoil hat basically makes your head look like a freshly wrapped portion of grbblish-horff, a delicacy no homesick Gootan can resist.

Avoid eye contact

What constitutes an “eye” for one species may be vastly different for another, especially with interdimensional beings. Never assume. One man interviewed for this story, Jack Gipple, a regular abductee, reported making what he thought was eye contact during one of his first encounters. He woke up three years later with three brain implants, a gaggle of clones to raise, and a second mortgage for a vacation cabin on Ganymede.

No spoilers

It’s a well-known fact. One of the only reasons aliens come here is the quality and variety of streaming services. And what’s the one thing they hate most after traveling light years to see their favorite shows? Spoilers. In a recently obtained report, other abductees described what happened to a fellow Earthling who told a Zeeban commander how season two of The Mandalorian ended. We can’t go into the gory details here. Let’s just say it made being tossed into a Sarlacc pit look like a trip to the day spa by comparison.

Never mention probes…yes, those kind

As a rule, aliens don’t like conducting anal probes any more than we like getting them. It’s a messy affair. In fact, Zeebans deemed the data collected scientifically useless soon after high fiber diets reached fad levels on Earth. Most ETs would prefer to avoid the procedure altogether. Unless you mention it. Even saying “Please don’t probe me!” is a massive risk. Because once reminded of a thing, many cultures in the universe are honor-bound to oblige. Unfortunately, they are not honor-bound to make it a pleasant experience.

CARTMAN GETS AN ANAL PROBE ON SOUTH PARK

DO NOT try to take over the ship and save Earth

Unless you are Sigourney Weaver or Will Smith, don’t. Just…don’t. But Sigourney or Will, if you’re reading this—and I know you are—go for it, guys!

We hope you find these tips useful during your next extraterrestrial encounter. I know I sure did!

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