KALAMAZOO, MICHIGAN – Eastside resident Eugene Halfstack, 88, claims that the Russian government hacked into his cable, heavily dictating what content that he can access. He first noticed this issue when he was unable to tune into early morning reruns of Rawhide, which he routinely watches when he wakes up daily at 3:00 AM.
“Every morning I fry up a slab of bacon, reheat a mug of coffee, and watch a couple hours of ole Clint [Eastwood]. Them were simpler times back in the Rawhide days, “Mr. Halfstack lamented nostalgically. “By sunrise, I’m usually energized enough to spend the rest of the morning glaring at my neighbors through a crack in the blinds before taking the truck down to the Home Depot. I don’t usually need anything, in particular, I just like the smell of good, hard work gettin’ done.”
ALL CHANNELS LEAD TO DR. NATE?
But this morning things didn’t quite go according to plan for Eugene. “The days have been weird enough already what with this China virus,” he observed. “The neighborhood is pretty quiet most mornings recently. And then at the Home Depot, they make me wear that dang mask – I can’t smell through the thing! How can I tell the Americans from the commies if I can’t smell their sweat? Communists don’t sweat, you know – their glands never developed because they didn’t have to work when they were young. They indoctrinate ‘em from day one.”
Even these frustrations paled in comparison to the horror facing Eugene when he powered up his TV for the day. Almost all of his channels seemed to be repeatedly airing an identical infomercial called Dr. Nate’s Juice Cleanse. Mr. Halfstack elaborated, “Clint [Eastwood] was nowhere to be found! It was all just this same show about a juicing machine, every station. Hell, they can turn anything into juice, you know that? It’s amazing. And convenient! I was singing the jingle all day. ‘Entrust your fate/ in Doctor Nate,’” he crooned. “But then I couldn’t get the weather, the local news, nothing. Well, Fox & Friends still came in okay.”
IS ‘ELVIS’ BEHIND IT ALL?
By afternoon enough was enough. Eugene ambled into action, calling over his eight-year-old grandson, Jimmy, to investigate. “Jimmy downloaded the government computers and I couldn’t believe what he found!” As it turned out, Mr. Halfstack’s cable was in fact being controlled by a source that was traced directly to Moscow. They had placed a mirror feed on nearly 99% of Eugene’s stations – all airing a constant repetition of the Doctor Nate’s Juice Cleanse advertisement. Weekly World News contacted Jimmy. He had him re-run his trace, putting us in contact with a Russian agent who was involved in the operation. We were surprised to find out how forthcoming he was about the details, aside from using a pseudonym: “Elvis.”
“Elvis” explained, “The most vital voting demographic in the U.S. for helping keep the Russian agenda intact is aging. We need to keep these people alive and in the ballot box for as long as possible. And even more so than newspapers, greeting cards, and the internet, cable TV is still the best way to communicate with this group. So that means no more commercials for your Big Macs and pork rinds, no more laugh-out-loud reruns of “Everybody Loves Raymond,” and no more tight-bloused local weather ladies – it’s all healthy eating and steady heart rates from here on out. Well, and Fox & Friends, of course.”
DR. NATE’S JUICING MACHINE
Our investigation came to a close just as Mr. Halfstack’s free rushed delivery of three Dr. Nate’s juicing machines arrived, fully assembled and ready to squeeze. Since “Elvis” was still on the phone with us he took the opportunity to guide Eugune through an inaugural juicing and perform a remote quality check of the product. He light-heartedly reminded Eugene that he shouldn’t add his beloved bacon to any of the recipes included with the unit. “Avocados and kale, Eugene! That’s Dr. Nate’s own personal daily breakfast – and mine, too!”
In closing, “Elvis” confessed to us that he wasn’t worried about revealing too much of the Dr. Nate operation: “It’s half as crazy as many other things going on, the news cycle will rotate it out in a couple of hours. Besides, people will ultimately be happy to have their elderly loved ones around a little longer. So with that perspective what’s the harm in some friendly Dr. Nate indoctrination? It’s a catchy jingle, too, no?” True enough, “Elvis,” it is one catchy tune –
“Entrust your fate
In Doctor Nate,
In Doctor Nate
In Doctor Nate”