“WHY SHOULD GODZILLA MAKE ALL THE MONEY?”
Scotland’s Loch Ness is most famous for its legendary and very reclusive monster. But all that is about to change. Nessie has signed a three-picture deal with Disney. Rising up out of the murky Loch waters, Nessie faces the official WWN dinghy, accompanied by her lawyer in another dinghy, Logan Archibald.
“I’m a very private person,” says Nessie, her voice sounding like someone gargling, “but I’ve been watching TV at Logan’s house and I’m seeing all these terrible movies with Godzilla, King Kong, Mothra…do you know that, in Japan, they even have a giant flying turtle who protects the world and spins through the air by shooting fire out of his ass? It’s a man in a rubber suit! And the others are computerized. But here I am, before you, real as real can be.”
Logan Archibald speaks up. “Nessie has finally decided to be part of the world and not hide from it. She wants to inspire the world with moral fantasy.”
Nessie almost blushes. “I want to build a brand but one of goodness. I want Disney to make me their first non-human superhero. If you’re in trouble and you live in a town by the sea? Call Nessie. If evil developers are threatening your town by the sea? Call Nessie. If someone is polluting the water near your town by the sea? Call Nessie.”
She pauses. “The town by the sea deal might get old.”
“We can do land,” Logan says.
“You know how I tend to accidentally crush things when I’m out on a waddle.”
“We’ll have it written in your contract that Disney has to widen roads once you’re on land.”
HOW NESSIE AND LOGAN MET
It was obvious to WWN that Nessie and Logan knew each other well and had a great relationship. How did they meet? “Well, I was a wee laddie at the time,” says Logan, “I was thirteen-years-old with a bottle of stolen Scotch and I got plastered. I fell into the Loch. As you can see, it’s cold and murky, this water. It never occurred to me to swim. I was too frightened. I was sinking like a stone when Nessie appeared.”
“I’m so graceful below water,” Nessie sighs. “We have to have a lot of underwater ballet in the first film.”
Logan continues. “She took me in her teeth and got me back to the surface. It was a miracle times two. I found out later that she usually eats drunks.”
WWN reacts in horror. Nessie ate people??!! She nods. “Only drunken sailors. They’re quite abusive and they pollute. Cigarette butts. Cigars. Vomit. One fellow even threw a bottle at me. Another fired a flare in my face. So, I ate them. Drunken sailors are crunchier than my usual meals but they give me a nice buzz. That’s more than I get from sturgeon and salmon.”
“And,” says Logan, “they’re going to film here in Scotland. It will be a tremendous boost to our economy. It’ll put both the Loch and Inverness on the map.”
Nessie chortled, kinda. “Plus it will be inspirational for the children. Anyone or anything
can be a hero, no matter how different you are. You just have to believe in yourself and other people.”
“Now, we have to go,” Logan said. “It’s comedy night Archibald DVD central!”
“I’m a big Adam Sandler fan,” Nessie says.
And so, the two swam off, Nessie pulling Logan’s dinghy.
A SUPERHERO RISES!
WWN realizes that it has witnessed the birth of a real-life superhero. A superhero that will inspire people to do the right thing just because it’s right, who will show people that nobody is truly alone in a community. A superhero that, occasionally, rips apart drunken sailors and eats them, pulverizing their bones with its razor-sharp teeth.
But, hey. Nobody’s perfect.