“I’VE NEVER SEEN A HOUSE ACTUALLY SPRINT,” SAYS POLICE CHIEF
When Weekly World News was contacted by world-famous “Ghost Destroyer” Hans Von Booten about a possessed house about to be exorcised by the maverick exorcist priest, Father Jules Crusher, we knew we had to be there.
When Weekly World News arrived, we were greeted by Von Booten, a tall, thin man with a ball-gag in his mouth. He removed the gag. “I’m so glad you could come.” He glanced over his shoulder at a rather strange looking house. “Father Crusher is on his way. This is a big one. We’ve evacuated the tenant. It’s just going to be the priest and the house.”
At that point, a nouveau riche fellow of impeccable taste strode up to us. “I’m Chaz Verdue. I’m the owner of Sizzling Sorta Singles. com. I live in that house.”
He stared at the house and sighed. “I should have done more research before I moved in, I suppose. Not really my fault. I didn’t know about the massacre that left 36 people dead. I had no idea about the sixteen suicides; the 1920s jazz band encased in cement below the bathroom and the vortex in the cellar the leads to Hell. I just thought it would be a cool place to put down roots.”
At that point, Father Crusher arrived in a Jeep, pulling out a suitcase with him. He greeted us, opened his case and pulled out a Bible and a Super-Soaker filled with Holy Water. “I have to identify who or what is possessing this house. I will pray and spread the Holy Water.”
Chaz snorted derisively. He was about to make a sarcastic remark when Von Booten handed him the ball gag. “You need it more than I do,” he said.
THINGS GO SIDEWAYS
Father Crusher stood before the house. “Demons of the house! Identify yourselves!” He waited a long minute before he activated his Holy super-soaker. The Holy Water hit the front door and sizzled. The house creaked to life. The door opened and a wave of flames shot out, causing the priest to run for his life.
He pulled out his cell phone and barked out commands as he approached us. “It’s the Big Guy. The Lord of the Flies. Satan himself. I’ve called for backup!”
He grabbed his Holy Super Soaker. “I’m going back in!” Holy Water filled the air as the priest charged. At that point, things went sideways. The house became fully animated, pulled itself off its foundation and sprinted down the street, the priest in pursuit. Without thinking, Von Booten and WWN dove into his car and gave pursuit. Chaz jumped in the back seat. “Wmrpghs,” he exclaimed, still wearing the ball gag.
“WE GOT A RUNAWAY!”
The police arrived in the person of Sgt. Clifton O’Malley. “Is that house sprinting?” he called to us, “I’ve never seen a house sprint before. Let’s help the priest!” He drove off in his cruiser.
The demon house galloped through town, carefully avoiding lampposts and parking meters, the priest pursuing him with his sputtering super soaker. Von Booten pulled up just as Father Crusher ran out of water. “Reinforcements are on the way!” he called, leaping into the car.
O’Malley, still in pursuit, yelled: “It’s heading for the golf course!”
The priest smiled enigmatically as both cars pulled up to the golf course. The house was in resting mode near the 16th green. Father Crusher turned to O’Malley. “Get ready to turn on the sprinkler system.” O’Malley ran off as the sound of a helicopter filled the air. Crusher got on his phone and gave a few orders. He turned to us. “Gentlemen, you’re about to see the first Holy Water air drop.”
THE HOLY SPIGOT TAKES ACTION
A firefighting chopper cruised over the house and let loose a torrent of water. The house writhed and screamed in fury, burps of smoke emerging from its windows and doors as the Holy Water took effect. “Turn on the sprinklers!” called Crusher. He bent over one of the pop-up sprinklers and made the sign of the cross.
“Oh, Lord, bless the water coming from this holy spigot and bless the water coming from all its nozzled friends. Begone, Satan! Crawl into the eternal sand trap and meet your fate!”
Under the constant barrage of Holy Water, the house swayed and collapsed with a breathy sigh. It was over. All that remained was wooden timbers and a completely destroyed golf course.
“Good has once again triumphed,” Von Booten announced. “Now, let’s get the Hell out of here before the grounds crew shows up.”
Chaz pulled out his gag and turned to Von Booten. “Do these come in flavors?”