“WE MIGHT HAVE TO LAMINATE THE ACTORS,” SAYS ONE PRODUCER.
According to Agence France-Presse, California will allow film and television production to resume later this month, if conditions permit. The industry has been in a shutdown since March due to the coronavirus pandemic and any reopenings will be subject to approval by local health officials.
When Weekly World News heard this news, it immediately thought of all the challenges moviemakers would have to surmount to get things back to “normal.” Weekly World News reached out to some of the best and the brightest to weigh in on their plans.
“Who are you? How did you get my f***ing number?” quipped Quentin Tarantino before hanging up.
Producer/director/actor George Clooney responded with a restraining order. When WWN approached Robert De Niro on the streets of NYC’s Soho area, two of his associates pulled guns while De Niro introduced us to the macadam. He’s very strong for a 76-year-old.
Steven Spielberg replied by chasing Weekly World News with a blowtorch.
Weekly World News finally tracked down someone who was willing to talk on the record – Mitch Frisson head of the last Hollywood indie studio making a profit. Over the last two decades, Frisson Films has released such crowd-pleasers as “Road Rage,” “Road Rage II,” “I’ll Punch Your Lights Out 1 & 2,” “Give Me My Hammer,” “Get Off My Lawn,” “I Have A Gun” and “The Story of Christ.”
Sitting in his office, overlooking the three sound stages on his lot, Mitch expressed some amusement at the State of California’s stance. “Oh, yeah,” he smirked, “We’re going to be up and running in two weeks. Not.”
When asked about his dubious tone, Mitch chuckled. “Oh, there are rumors flying around about how folks will cope. Everyone will have their temperatures checked every day as they arrive to work. Okay. What happens if someone has a fever? Are they going to take them out back and shoot them? Put them in a mass grave?”
“Can you imagine shooting a couple going at it, yet keeping them six feet apart?”
He stopped and made a few notes on a legal pad. “That’s not a bad idea for a Dystopian sci-fi flick. And, then, they’re talking about the actors. They’ll be confined to their trailers until rehearsals. Then, they’ll run through the scenes wearing masks and gloves and standing six-feet apart. Meanwhile, all the crewmembers will be standing six-feet apart from each other. If you have a crew of thirty? You’re going to need a football field of space just to shoot a scene in a kitchen.”
He stifled a chuckle. “I’m glad my films don’t have sex scenes, just senseless violence. Can you imagine shooting a couple going at it, yet keeping them six feet apart? I mean, there are a lot of camera angles you can use but the profile shots are going to be nightmarish.
“Ordinary kissing is going to tough. We’re going to see some real puckering going on, with the lips extended as much as possible. That way, the camera can hone in on their lips and line them up. Computerized smooching will come later. If a couple holds hands, it will have to be via an insert shot. Like they do in porn films. Yeah, I can see that happening.”
Weekly World News pointed out that some television networks are re-gearing their cop shows to include the virus, the lockdown and the peril in their new seasons. He shrugged. “That’ll work really well. The virus will be something we want to forget, next year, not watch with commercials.
“Let’s see a cop show pull off a line-up where all the subjects are wearing masks and gloves.”
“And, plus, every episode will have to contain references to the realities of the situation. Let’s see a cop show pull off a line-up where all the subjects are wearing masks and gloves. Imagine THAT re-write. ‘Do you see a mask that seems familiar?’ And how about an interrogation scene where everyone is six-feet apart? What will they be using, Mister Microphones? Or will they just yell at each other? Yeah, that’ll work.”
Despite his skepticism about the new filming protocols, Mitch is ready to jump back in…with a difference. “I have a script being written now, that will eliminate the use of actors before the camera. It’ll be all Furries.”
When Weekly World News didn’t quite understand, he elaborated. “Furries are people who dress like cartoonish animals. I guess they get in touch with their inner-whackjob or something. Anyhow, they have clubs, conventions and, in smaller towns, they have Furry nights at the local bar. When they get into their costumes, they alter their voices and personalities to fit the character they’ve chosen.
“Now, imagine American Furries are going to have their biggest convention ever. Russian Furries want to take it out. I don’t need to hire actors, just athletic people, stunt men and women. They can wear protective masks and gloves under their costumes. We buy a condemned hotel, refurbish it, and, then, blow it up at the end as the U.S. Furries vanquish their foes.
“We hire star actors to do voice-over work. It’s a done deal.”
When WWN showed its disbelief, Mitch chuckled. “Ya’ gotta think out of the box. Right now, we’re negotiating with Stallone as the American Furry elder and Dolph Lundgren as the head of the Russian team. This project can be safe, effective, groundbreaking and, if theaters don’t open full-time by next year? It’ll be a big Netflix draw.”
“Spies and leakers are everywhere.”
He leaned towards us. “Now, the thing is, you can’t tell anyone about this. This has been all off-the-record. In Hollywood, especially now, with everyone walking around as if they were just hit by a two-by-four, spies and leakers are everywhere.”
Weekly World News agreed. The phone rang. He picked it up. “What? WHAT? No, it’s fine. Fine.”
He slammed down the phone, facing us. “NBC has just announced a new show – ‘Law & Order: Furry Squad.’”
He sat down, seething. After a minute, he returned to his desk. It was then he noticed that his desk lamp was actually an NBC dwarf with a lampshade over his head. “Spy!” he bellowed, drop kicking the bogus lamp out of his plate glass window.
He sank into his chair. “Now, I guess I’ll have to resort to Plan B. — Sock puppets. I think I’ll still be able to get Stallone and Lundgren.”