HE CALLS HIMSELF A “TIDE POD CASTER” AND HAS A DEGREE FROM TRUMP UNIVERSITY.
Two weeks ago, the President of the United States sent thinking human beings into spasm mode when, at a Coronavirus briefing, he announced: “Supposing we hit the body with a tremendous – whether it’s ultraviolet or just very powerful light…
“And then I said, supposing you brought the light inside of the body, which you can do either through the skin or in some other way. And I think you said you’re going to test that too. Sounds interesting,” the president continued.
“And then I see the disinfectant where it knocks it out in a minute. One minute. And is there a way we can do something like that, by injection inside or almost a cleaning?
“So it’d be interesting to check that.”
Where did the President get the far-fetched idea?
We tracked the source to a self-proclaimed “Tide Pod Caster” in Webster, Arizona. Doctor Xavier Laurel, a 31-year-old man who has a PhD in “Sciencey Stuff” from the now-shuttered Trump University. Broadcasting from his mother’s basement, “Dr. X” (as he wants to be called) got his degree just before lawsuits brought the on-line college down.
“It was a strange time,” he recalls. “There were class action lawsuits, a lot of people yelling, but I kept on keeping on. I refused any settlement money. I wanted my degree. Eventually, they gave me 200 pounds of Trump Steaks and a ‘finder’s fee’ that allowed me to pay rent at Mom’s house and start a podcast. I thought, maybe, I’d sell the steaks off to local restaurants for a fortune. No deal. Various chefs said that the meat actually flinched when it was put on the frying pan. I wound up buying a lot of freezers.”
Indeed in his basement apartment, Dr. X was surrounded by a bunch of spider-clad freezers. He said the current government inspired him when he started his podcast. “I took my lead from the President,” he says. “He can say things in public that normally would have a person institutionalized or, at the very least, sedated. So, I said to myself, ‘Self? You can do the same thing.’”
GETTING THE WORD OUT!
And, so, he began his podcast earlier this year. At first, he took news stories and gave his opinions on them. When he discovered he had an audience of three, he decided to aim for the bleachers via a podcast about bleach.
“When this whole virus thing started, I recalled how I used to have to scrub down the check-out conveyor belts at ‘Fabulous Meat City,’ a supermarket dealing with large hunks of meat. We used bleach and UV lights. So, I just started riffing on: what if we did the same thing on people?” After the podcast, he found that his viewership had grown by one.
“I got an email that just said ‘CALL ME!’ They left a number and it went to the White House. A guy named Dennis Dennison wanted to know if the President could use this information. I said ‘sure.’ The next day, the President did and, much to my surprise, I had 500,000 new subscribers. Like magic. Most of them are from the D.C. area as well as states like Florida, Georgia and Texas.”
Encouraged by the feedback, Dr. X began to conjure up new remedies to the virus. It hasn’t been easy to keep up with other radio personalities, either. “Last week, Alex Jones advocated cannibalism to fight the upcoming food shortage. ‘My children aren’t going hungry! I’ll eat your ass!’ How do you top that? I had to reach back into my childhood years to find things that could kill the virus!”
DR. X ADVICE
In the last week and a half, Dr. X. has advocated the following: sticking your tongue into a plug socket, taking a bath and dropping an electrical appliance into the mix, head-butting a train, and hitting yourself over the head with a hammer.
How would hitting yourself over the head shake off the virus? “Well, it would depend on the size of the hammer, wouldn’t it? Think of this virus as a bunch of sand fleas clinging onto your body for dear life. The bigger the hammer, the harder the hit, the more virusy things will fall to the ground. Q.E.D.”
When he’s informed that all of his remedies would actually kill the people involved, he smiles, “Ah, but it would kill the virus as well! It’s a matter of self-sacrifice. Do you want to take this virus out or don’t you? Would you rather be proactive and kill the bug dead-on or would you rather sacrifice your life in all the states re-opening via a hair-cut or buying a dozen donuts?”
In the last week, Dr. X has had his Mom make him an outfit that resembles a 1930s movie serial villain. “I want to tout my personality. I want my outside to reflect my inside!” he declared.
When Weekly World News remarked that the outfit resembled a pair of pajamas, he smirked. “You don’t have to respect me or my ideas. But you’ll have to soon enough. If Trump is re-elected? You’re looking at the head of his new Coronavirus team! Think of it! People tonguing plug sockets to save the nation…because I tell them to.”
He attempted a throaty, villainous laugh but almost choked on his breath-mints.
As we left, he offered us twenty pounds of Trump Steaks. We demurred, opting for a breath mint, instead.