MOVE OVER, PENIS FISH! HERE COME THE BUTTS!
Last year, California was treated to “penis fish.” Today, on the Florida coast, it’s ‘butt fish!’
In December of last year, a storm brought thousands upon thousands of phallic-looking worms washing ashore in Marin County, California. Called “Penis Fish” by locals, these worms were quickly snatched by seagulls and women “fishing enthusiasts.”
“I couldn’t believe it, myself,” said local fisherman Angus McDee. “Hundreds of women descended upon the beach. They actually scared the crap out of a thousand gulls. I’ve never seen anything like it in my life. I mean, gulls will sit on your head and eat your sandwich no matter how hard you try to punch them!”
“It was amazing,” recounted fisherwoman Allison Grave, “I’m an exotic…uh…fish collector and to get a couple of dozens of these wriggly marvels stuck up, uh, in my…home? Unbelievable.”
Said fellow fisherwoman LaVelle Nielson. “I don’t really care if they’re dead or alive. They’re mine.”
A NEW CURIOSITY ON THE PANHANDLE
While that proved an amusing marine biology story, what’s going on in Florida, has some marine biologists worried. On Santa Rosa Beach, in Florida’s Panhandle, a new form of fish has beached itself. Hundreds of them.
Marine biologist Kate Lorenzo is astounded. “These are, technically, jellyfish but they look like big butts. I mean, really fat, ugly butts.”
And much to the amusement of Lorenzo, “they release air when they’re on the shore that sounds like farts. And they shake all over when they do it.”
She heaved a sigh. “We’ve kept three or four of them for further study. It could be a one-off anomaly. We don’t know at this point. This batch? They’ll be gone first high tide if the locals don’t try to set them on fire, first.”
The butt fish invasion has galvanized local churchgoers. A largely white male mob crowded the beach.
“Let our beach be free of assholes!”
“It just shows you how much the ‘gay gene’ has been flushed into the ocean,” grumbled Pastor Eustace McGonnigle. “These poor jellyfish have been profaned by the ‘gay gene’ as they search for their ‘penis fish partners.’”
At that point, the Pastor’s son, 13-year-old Chad, walked up to his father. “Why are butt fish gay? I mean, you have a butt. I have a butt. How do you know they’re not just, uh, regular butts? And don’t we both have penises?”
The Pastor smiled and, producing an iron pipe, beat his son senseless. He turned to this reporter, “Kids, huh? What are you gonna do?”
Within an hour, several other righteous groups had assembled; chanting, holding exorcisms, dancing and singing in tongues as well as pissing into the tide. “Maybe this will stun them,” said pisser Malcolm Fontaine, “anyhow, I really had to go.”
BUTT-HOLES ON THE BEACH!
The various protest groups seem to inadvertently unite into one, dancing, exorcising, drum-beating, gibberish-spewing and undulating unit.
Pastor McGonnigle climbed onto the backs of his fellow worshippers, yelling: “I bid you, Lord, banish these butt-holes! Send them back into Hell! Let our beach be free from assholes!”
At that point, a huge wave thundered towards the shore. Marine biologist Lorenzo backed away. “This isn’t going to be good,” she said, crouching behind a car in a nearby lot.
The wave crashed onshore, forcing citizens to spiral backward. For a moment, there was nothing but seawater mist covering the scene. Marine biologist Lorenzo ran back onto the beach, surveying the action.
The citizens ran forward, led by Pastor McGonnigle. The butt-fish were gone. “Thank you, Lord!” he beamed.
Then, he walked forward. The butt-fish were, indeed, gone. Replacing them, however, was a new breed of fish, flopping and flapping and pulsating on the sand. The Pastor’s jaw dropped as he analyzed the new arrival.
“It looks like a…vagina!”
“A lady’s woo-woo?” screamed one man, stumbling backward. “I never believed in climate change before, but, now…?”
Behind the worshippers, biologist Lorenzo walked back to her official vehicle, shaking her head. “Once these guys figure out how they can use them? I’d stay away from local sushi restaurants for a long, long time.”