God is adding 5.2 million humans worldwide to a major recall to fix manufacturing defects that lead to emotional and spiritual malfunction and the failure of empathy.

A spokesangel for the Almighty, Jehudiel, said this week that the additional beings bring the total number of humans recalled in history to more than 22 million. “These are people, for the most part, who seem functional on the outside,” he said. “But inside, they are broken. We are urging those close to them to bring them in, at which time they can be serviced and hopefully returned to the earthly realm.”


This is not the first recall of its kind this year. In January the Lord recalled nearly 700,000 humans in the U.S. alone for similar problems. A loss of empathy can increase the risk of cruel behavior to others, although Jehudiel would not identify any specific behaviors attributable to the design defect. “It’s hard to say,” he said. “We’re trying to be careful.”

The humans being recalled are drawn from a wide variety of professions, span a number of different regions and climates, and represent all races, genders, and age brackets. “We’ve seen some specific patterns when it comes to empathy malfunction,” Jehudiel said. “In some cases, we’ve had to target older white guys. In other cases, younger guys, or middle-aged guys. But this one is very general, and even includes some women.”


As a result of the broad nature of this recall, it is expected to be somewhat controversial. “We’re sensitive to that,” Jehudiel said. “Look at how things went in January. In retrospect, there were probably a few thousand people who should not have been recalled. But by the same token, we missed millions of others. That’s what we are dealing with now. All we can do is be open and straightforward about our process.”

The Almighty has instructed those close to those being recalled should bring their loved ones to a seashore, a cliff, or a mountaintop. “Those are the best extraction points,” Jehudiel said. “Just stand up there with him—or her, I guess—at your right. You will then see a flash of blinding light and then nothing at all. You may be overcome by a sense of awe: not quite fear, not quite admiration, sort of a slow but irreversible swelling of your sense of your own insignificance. Then look to your right. The recalled being will be gone. We’ll be in touch about replacement.”

Jehudiel says that those not affected by this most recent recall should not necessarily rest easy. “It’s likely that there will be more recalls this year,” he said. “So your brother or father or grandfather or uncle or mother could be in the next wave. Or it could be you.”  

The first names of those in the most recent recall include Philip, Arthur, Amy, Jhene, Samuel, Bheric, Xander, Zhang, Kyan, Kyle, Burke, Chailai, Stathis, Davis, Bradley, Antonio, Evander, Dante, Devante, Adriana, Abebi, Mohammed, and Billy. Their professions include politicians, teachers, lawyers, firefighters, professional swimming coaches, and schoolchildren. 


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