IT’S A SNARLING BADGER!
For three years, now, the mainstream media has been harassing President Donald Trump about not having a family pet. The Fake News reporters would remind him that most presidents have frisky playful dogs running in and out of the White House. The President has dismissed these inquiries with either a smirk or a snort up until now.
WWN has learned that the President has indeed adopted a White House pet. It’s a snarling badger that the President has named “Meanie.”
Said an anonymous White House source, “It’s been tough on us to find him a pet. What are you going to get him? A poodle? Or a friendly, shaggy dog that will steal the spotlight whenever it and the President are together? Yeah, that’s going to work. We tried a cat but, after a week, the cat gained so much weight, it had a stroke.”
He sighed and applied a bandage to a freshly torn leg wound. “The answer was before us all the time…a snarling badger.”
THE SWAMP BADGER
Indeed, a forthcoming book details the President’s fascination with the critter.
Excerpts from Sinking in the Swamplay it all out: Trump would “waste Reince Priebus’ time” in meetings by asking about how badgers “work” and if they are “mean to people.” The president also asked his chief of staff if he had any pictures of badgers he could show him, apparently unaware of the properties of his cellphone beyond his favorite app.
“Trump also wanted to know if the badger had a ‘personality’ or if it was boring,” according to the authors. “An obviously enthralled president would stare at Priebus as the aide struggled for sufficiently placating answers, all the while trying to gently veer the conversation back to whether we were going to do a troop surge in Afghanistan or strip millions of Americans of health-care coverage.”
When more and more reports of our President badgering staff about badgers came in, our anonymous source said: “It became obvious what we had to do to fill the pet slot. I mean, at least it wasn’t a snake.”
AND HEEEEEERE’S “MEANIE!”
According to our source, on Valentine’s Day, the President introduced “Meanie” to his staff. They crowded around to pet the critter. Six were subsequently hospitalized while twelve others were administered to by West Wing medics.
Revealed a second source. “I’ve never seen the President laugh so hard. The Oval Office was blood-spattered! People were running and screaming. Only the President and Meanie seemed amused.”
After the meet and grief, it was quietly decided that Meanie’s existence would be kept out of the press and Meanie definitely would not be involved in the upcoming White House Easter Egg hunt.
Meanie, however, has completely revived the President’s spirits. Stated our first anonymous source, “the President waits like a child for the two handlers to bring Meanie into the Oval Office in a cage. He waits for them to back out, opens the cage and, then, shuts himself up with the badger for an hour. They hiss, growl, squeal and snarl together. They’ve bonded, somehow. I’ve heard they wrestle on the floor in ‘make-believe’ fights. This happens two or three times a day.”
When asked if this was normal presidential behavior, the source replied: “I gave up on normal years ago.”
WORKING WITH MEANIE
Reaction to Meanie’s presence has varied. The staffers have gotten use to mandatory rabies shots. Bill Barr has been curled up in a ball behind a couch, sobbing. Vice-President Pence has been shouting Bible Verses from behind an adjoining wall. Reportedly, the only staffer to actually challenge Meanie is Kellyanne Conway. When she enters the Oval Office smiling? Meanie dives beneath the President’s desk. But, then again, the President is always already there.
In the meantime, the President has had an “executive carry-on crate” to be available 24/7 and a special “Badger Boudoir” to be installed on Air Force One.
Offered our source: “I think you’ll see a more robust series of demands when it comes to international diplomacy because of Meanie being the President’s traveling companion. I mean, honestly, can you imagine the leader of a foreign government saying ‘no’ to the President when that leader has a snarling badger gnawing on his face?”
Added our source: “Ya, see? A poodle just wouldn’t have cut it.”