BLOOMBERG VICTORY REWARD?!

HIS LAST PITCH? PLANS TO GIVE EVERY CITIZEN $5,000 IF ELECTED

Channeling Herbert Hoover’s election playbook, Mayor Michael Bloomberg pledged today to pay $5,000 in cash to “each and every citizen of the United States if I am elected as President.”

The pledge marks a radical change in strategy for the billionaire’s campaign which has promised to spend $1 billion to defeat the incumbent president he refers to as “He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.”

Shakey Kevin, Bloomberg campaign chief, explained to move, “In crisscrossing the USA, it’s become clear just how few billionaires there are. Everyone else is really struggling financially, so it dawned on us that Mike has a unique opportunity to cut through the noise and make a real difference with his fortune.”

Mike will “Get It Done!”

Bloomberg’s plan is to reserve $1 billion for living expenses and $1 billion for the campaign and utilize the rest of his estimated $62 billion fortune to pay the $5,000 “Victory Reward” to every registered voter. Mr. Kevin added, “The idea is testing extremely well in the few markets we’ve sampled, bringing us to today’s announcement. Some voters have asked for ‘an advance’ in exchange for a pledge to vote Bloomberg in November, to which we politely respond – ‘victory before the spoils.’”

Campaign sources not authorized to comment, but did anyway, indicated that Bloomberg had some further “tricks up his sleeve” should he need them to propel his victory, such as redefining Victory Reward criteria to “Just those who voted for Bloomberg and everyone else is free to leave the country.” 

ANY EXCEPTIONS?

The more stringent criteria could raise payouts to more than $10,000 estimated Bloomberg. The campaign privately acknowledges payments could be “materially lower” should Bloomberg’s unique “performance-based” model drive increases in voter registration and turnout.  At press-time, a plan to withhold payments to any “Horse-Faced” voters was still being debated, particularly for rural strongholds.

Not everyone is thrilled with the idea, George Saugerty, of Woodstock, VT, remembers the 1928 Hoover promise of a “chicken in every pot and two cars in every garage.” “The last time a candidate tried to buy the White House – it put us into a Depression, and that was a far better deal!  I’m a fan of change, so let’s try to get along WITHOUT A PRESIDENT for a few years!  Now THAT could get things in Washington rolling again!”

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