RUSSIA SENDS SPY GEESE TO DISRUPT U.S. ELECTION
WASHINGTON, DC – The Pentagon confirmed to Weekly World News that Russia is once again interfering with our upcoming election. They have sent over 10,000 Spy Geese to the United States over the past two weeks. The goal is to cause havoc for all candidates running for office – particularly Bernie Sanders, Mike Bloomberg, and Donald Trump.
Secretary of State Mike Pompeo sat down with Weekly World News for almost two minutes to tell us that he had “no comment” about the existence of Russian spy geese. We asked if he could confirm or deny the rumors of spy geese following Bernie Sanders in South Carolina. He again said “no comment.” When asked if this picture of Mike Pompeo’s pet goose was a Russian spy, he simply snarled and left with his White Claw.
HOW WILL THE SPY GEESE AFFECT U.S. VOTERS?
Many Washington insiders are suggesting spy geese are just collecting data to send back to President Vladimir Putin. Others feel that the spy geese have more nefarious goals.
“These are very dangerous geese. The Russians have been working on perfecting the goose over the last two decades,” said Lindsay Van Blarcom, a Defense Department insider. “We think that these spy geese are going to drop a pile of information on American voters.
“These geese will be dropping terabytes of data on American voters. Many will assume they are normal goose droppings. But if you get close, the data packet will explode and contaminate the voter, forcing you to vote Bernie Sanders or Donald Trump.”
THE BLOOMBERG FACTOR
After hearing about the spy geese, Michael Bloomberg made a move to buy them off. But they were not swayed by his bribe and were insulted that he only offered them five million. They have a mission. They put the drop of Bloomberg.
Weekly World News put a call into our Russian bureau chief to find out if the spy geese have gathered information that could alter the upcoming election.
“They have damning information on all the candidates, they can swing voters any way they want to. Put in is very happy. He’s thinking of sending over more spy geese and about a dozen spy cows,” said Ivan Boroclankeko, our Bureau Chief.
How do you know if you’ve seen a spy goose? “You’ll hear them laughing,” said Boroclankeko.
This makes as much sense as anything we’re getting from the government. In fact, I was visited by a goose just the other day. That big bird commanded me to vote for Bernie. I promised I would.