Vice President Mike Pence is a cyborg and we’ve got the photograph that proves it.
The stark, black-and-white picture clearly shows Pence with the back of his head peeled back, revealing a hidden matrix of wires, circuit boards and chips that enable him to move, speak and think almost as if he were human.
But the so-called “Pence-borg” isn’t perfect.
Sources tell Weekly World News that cyborg engineers were unable to give it emotions, which make it as cold as the androids on Star Trek.
Pence has been compared to the characters in the old movie, The Stepford Wives, trapped in the past like an obedient 1950s housewife – unable to learn from his experiences and grow.
“He really does act like he just stepped out of the 1950s. You could easily visualize him as Spock or Data on Star Trek,” says the CIA source who leaked the photograph because he was upset about the way President Trump has been attacking intelligence agencies.
A WELL-BEHAVED CYBORG
“The damn thing is smart, I’ll give it that much. But who wouldn’t be if his brain were a state-of-the-art computer with Wi-Fi and Bluetooth included? He has round-the-clock access to the internet. And he has both Alexa and Siri working for him
“But being ‘smart’ isn’t the be-all and end-all,” said a White House insider. “Engineers programmed the cyborg to seem very wholesome, obedient and kind. But he can also be a ‘killer’ when they need him to be.
The White House insider tells Weekly World News that Mike Pence does not eat alone with women (other than his wife) because women are much better at detecting a cyborg than men. “Women have great ‘borg-radar.’ They can tell if it’s a real man or not. That’s why handlers never let allow Mike Pence be alone with a woman.”
Sometimes others can tell there is something wrong.
“When he hears that Iranians are ticked off for the United States killing Solemani, he just cocks his head and asks monotone questions like, “What does ‘ticked off’ mean? Is that the same thing as ‘angry’”?
“That’s why President Trump calls him ‘Dopey’ and ‘Mutton Head’ whenever they’re behind closed doors,” said the White House Insider. “President Trump hates that the Pence cyborg is always judging him, keeping an eye on him.”
“The cyborg named Pence just doesn’t get the human side of things and that makes President Trump very annoyed.
“But if you ask him to add a string of figures, or give you the square root of 45, or check the Web for hot deals on plane tickets, he’s definitely your man. He spits outs the answers like an idiot savant.
“And he’s never, ever wrong.”
WHITE HOUSE HAS “NO COMMENT” ON HIS CYBORG V.P.
The White House will neither confirm nor deny the authenticity of the photograph nor will they discuss the reasons why the CIA released this photo.
Equally disturbing, officials declined to let a media doctor check the vice president’s temperature and pulse to see if he even has them.
“Don’t worry, he doesn’t,” says a CIA source. “Believe me, when the White House makes a big deal out of Pence going to see a doctor, he’s really just having the circuits checked.
“The vice president could not get sick if he tried. And he certainly couldn’t get cancer or a heart problem. How can you have a heart problem when you don’t have a heart”
It’s unclear who built the Pence-borg – or why – although he CIA source says he “feels certain the Republicans had a hand in it.”
But the simple issue of the vice president being a machine is provocative enough, opening what one insider calls “a massive can of worms.”
“Cyborgs aren’t born, they‘re made – so how can the vice president be a U.S. citizen, which is required for such high office?” says the source. “I think we’ve got a major problem here.
“I also expect that it will become an issue in this year’s presidential election.”
WILL THE CYBORG STEP DOWN?
In fact, calls for Pence to resign and let Trump choose another running mate are already echoing throughout Washington and on right-wing radio talk shows nationwide.
Even some White House insides are calling for him to step aside for health reasons.
People are also beginning to ask questions about what “Mike Pence the human” is up to these days.
“Only President Trump and Secretary of State, Mike Pompeo, know where he is for sure,” says the CIA source.
“My guess is that he’s working for the President behind the scenes, crafting top-secret immigration and economic policies that ordinary citizens like you and me ought not to be worry about.”
Weekly World News will keep an eye on the Pence cyborg, and report any new developments.