In hiding due to mix-up in his memos
In an awkward start to the year, Iran’s Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei has gone into hiding, having accidentally declared a $2 million dollar bounty on his own head.
“We tried to tell him he was making a mistake,” a senior figure in the Revolutionary Guard told Weekly World News on condition of anonymity. “He was in the groove, you know, he had already declared a bounty on the President of the United States, record companies, Baby Yoda merchandise, and clowns. We think he must have signed his name in the wrong blank so rather than saying he was offering the bounty list, he somehow wound upon it.”
The error was not caught until the bounty list had already been processed and was distributed to the press. Within a week the Supreme Leader had faced 12 different assassination attempts, 14 kidnappings, 3 drone strikes, and invitations to tell his heartbreaking tale of survival on four major daytime talk shows.
“This is absurd!” Khamenei raved from an undisclosed location on a secure line to our reporter. “I just filled out ONE wrong form! It shouldn’t be this hard! I haven’t had this much trouble since I tried to use an expired coupon at a gas station. Turns out I had instituted the death penalty for that. I just make the laws; I don’t READ them!”
THE WORLD REACTS
World leaders’ reactions varied. Prime Minister Boris Johnson of the UK could not be reached for comment, as his staff noted he was having trouble fixing his Brexit cereal. President Vladimir Putin of Russia expressed his general support, noting “Ali always was a crazy one” and expresses his belief that it was either part of some master plan against Western Imperialism, or maybe heatstroke, as it was hard to tell the difference. President Donald Trump of the United States responded through Twitter as “Great plan. Great man. Pathetic bounty. Mine’s bigger. Call if you need a missile.”
The Revolutionary Guard was trying to make the most of it, though. “If we can catch him and turn him into himself alive, we’re hoping he’ll pay up and we’ll be able to install some air conditioners in the barracks. After all, it’s really hot here. Fans just don’t do it.”
This would not be the first time the elderly leader has made a serious mix-up, having excommunicated himself in 1989 for blasphemy following his two bestselling book releases, “Camels I have named inappropriately” and “Love Songs in The Sand”.