Legendary Hollywood producer/director George Lucas is ready to re-release Star Wars, or Star Wars IV or Whatever, after re-editing the film for the 300th time.

Stormtrooper keeping a watchful eye on Lucas

“The idea came to me after a severe head injury,” said Lucas. “The first idea I had was: what if we eliminated the character of Han Solo entirely and replaced him with a potted plant? The more I got into it, the more I realized it wouldn’t work…especially in the scenes with dialogue. So, I decided to simply amplify the genius of the first or fourth or whatever episode.”

The resulting version should please hardcore Star Wars fans. “We finally give a definitive answer to the ‘Who shot first, Han Solo or Greedo’ question. In this new version, Greedo is killed by a falling Acme Anvil. Nobody will see that coming.”

Greedo: Watch out!

Additional tweaks include overdubbing the polka “Who Stole the Kishka” into the Mos Eisley Cantina scene. (“It will appeal to all our Polish fans.”), introducing a cattle stampede aboard the Death Star and replacing the voice of James Earl Jones as Darth Vader with that of Roseanne Barr. (“It gives the character a whole new dimension.”)

Roseanne Barr recording the voice of Darth Vader

While he’s pleased with this newest final cut, Lucas admits he has no guarantee that Disney Studios, which owns Stars Wars I or IV or Whatever as well as all-future episodes to infinity, will release it.

“I may have to do it myself,” he admitted. “Perhaps from the back of a moving flatbed truck.”

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