Is it Curtains for Christmas?
RANCHO MIRAGE, CA – There was a media circus here today as Santa Claus checked himself into the Betty Ford Clinic. Santa opted to enter rehab as part of a plea deal for crimes he committed with Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer.
Mr. Claus will need to complete a 90-day sobriety program. He will then enter a sober living home, followed by a review by an international judicial board. With Christmas just weeks away, officials at Betty Ford Clinic are trying to see if there is any way to speed up Santa’s recovery timetable. People around the world are nervous, wondering if they will need to look for a cheery alternative to Father Christmas.
The Betty Ford Clinic is the top rehab facility for celebrities with a specialized program for opiate addiction. Santa joins a long list of luminaries at the clinic, one that includes Lindsay Lohan, Andy Dick and most recently Kermit the Frog.
The Betty Ford Clinic signed an agreement with HBO to document Santa’s rehabilitation. Their film crews were on location for today’s check-in.
WHAT LED TO SANTA’S DOWNFALL?
It began last month when authorities arrested Santa Claus and his partner-in-crime, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, in Copenhagen. They were charged with being part of a drug trafficking ring, which is spearheaded by Old Saint Nick himself. Santa and his most famous reindeer had cash and drugs in their possession. They also had a number of drunken elves with them.
In connection with this ring, dozens of other arrests were made worldwide. Many of those conspirators have agreed to testify against Santa in exchange for lesser charges.
It turns out it was Santa’s elves who brought the whole operation to the attention of the local authorities. Poughkeepsie Bobknock, a spokesman for the elves spoke to Weekly World News this afternoon. He said the elves were jubilant at the news of Santa’s arrest. “We are following the case closely and cooperating fully with investigators.” Poughkeepsie added, “We have no intention of skipping Christmas, but Mrs. Claus might have to take the reins!”
With a mountain of evidence against him, Santa chose to cooperate and pleaded guilty. He agreed to check himself into rehab before appearing before an international judicial board. That board will decide if Santa needs further treatment, need to be incarcerated or if he can be released on his own recognizance.
They try to make Him go to rehab,
AND HE say “Ho, Ho, ho!”
Rudolph rejected all plea deal offers and will serve a 6-year sentence in Blegdamsvej Prison, the oldest prison in Norway. Due to his flighty nature, a special enclosure has been built for the celebrity convict. Addiction relief will also be encouraged but this famous party animal is unlikely to change his lifelong passion for drug abuse. In a Rolling Stone interview, just days after sentencing Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer sang, “They try to make me go to rehab, I say ‘Ho. Ho Ho!”
With the fate of Christmas Eve in jeopardy, dozens of celebrities have stepped forward to volunteer to fill Santa’s boots. Auditions will be held at MGM Studios in Hollywood. George Clooney, Jon Hamm, Johnny Depp, and Kathy Bates are being considered for the role. But whoever they choose they better do it quick, with the big day approaching and so much left to do.