Woodbeast came out to support Bigfoot’s Vice Presidential campaign in 2020.
SUNBURY, PA – Local residents have always whispered about Bigfoot sightings, but they picked up considerably over the course of 2019.
“It used to be once or twice a year,” said Jason Eckhart, who owns a hardware store. “Then it was once or twice a month. It used to be just a shadowy figure glimpsed in the woods. But at least two farmers have had their cows torn apart. It’s getting to be almost common.”
“Sure is,” said Logan Haskins, who owns the town’s movie theater.
That’s why everyone took notice when fliers began to appear stapled to telephone poles in Sunbury’s small downtown. “Bigfoot News—Pres Conference Sunday 4 pm,” they read.
“I know Bigfoot is running for office,” said Eckhart. (Bigfoot was recently selected as Bat Boy’s running mate for the 2020 presidential election.) “It seemed like it was about that. I decided to go even though it was a hot day.”
“Sure was,” said Haskins.
At the appointed time, Eckhart, Haskins, and roughly twenty other local residents gathered in front of Kiki’s Market, across the street from the entrance to the Browngate Forest. The leaves rustled, and a large hairy creature, seven feet tall at least appeared. He had a hand-held microphone and was carrying a small amplifier.
“I couldn’t believe it,” Eckhart said. “He set the amp down and started to talk into the mic. I expected his voice to be scary and rough, especially if he was the person—or the whatever—that put up the signs. But it was a gentle voice, and sophisticated. It soothed the crowd.”
“Sure did,” said Haskins.
HAS AN ANNOUNCEMENT
“Residents of Sunbury, welcome,” the creature said. “I do not mean to alarm or upset you. I simply wanted to discuss the whispers I have overheard as I have patrolled the fringe of your lovely forest. Many of you have spoken about Bigfoot sightings. Well, I am here to tell you that I am not Bigfoot.”
A woman standing in the front of the crowd raised her hand.
“No questions, ma’am,” Bigfoot said. “This isn’t a press conference.”
Boston lowered her hand.
“As I was saying, I am not Bigfoot,” the creature said. “I am Bigfoot’s twin brother.”
The crowd gasped.
“We were raised together,” the creature said. “We’re identical. But when we were fifteen or so, we had a falling-out. I don’t want to get into it, except to say that he thought it was funny to draw himself up to full height and terrify humans, and I didn’t. We agreed to separate. He took the Western states and I took the Eastern states. None of this matters, except to say that I am not Bigfoot. I support his 2020 vice-presidential candidacy, but I cannot speak for him on any matters, political or otherwise. This will be my final statement. Please respect my privacy. Goodbye.”
The creature picked up the amp, tucked the microphone under his arm, and turned to reenter the forest.
“What should we call you?” a man said.
“As I said, not a press conference,” the creature said. “But you can call me Woodbeast.”
ONLY ONE OPTION
The crowd was in chaos in the wake of the creature’s departure. Jason Eckhart took command.
“Hey,” he said. “Hey. Listen. Let’s not lose our heads. We were all here. We all saw what happened. I think there’s only one thing we can do.”
“Call the police?” said Norma Jenkins.
“Call Animal Control?” Said Wilson Russell.
“Hunt him?” said Frank Gordon.
“Arm our livestock?” said Gower Fremont.
“Deny that we saw anything?” said Kelly Winslow.
“No, no,” said Eckhart. “As best as I can see, our only choice is to respect his wishes. He came all the way out of the forest to be honest with us. We owe him at least that.”
“Sure do,” said Logan Haskins.
Woodbeast could not be reached for comment.