BOMBSHELL: MILEY CYRUS TIME-TRAVELER!

Miley Cyrus Traveled Back In Time To Try to Stop JFK’s Assassination!

Miley Cyrus has been in the news for many things over the past few years: her comments about her sexuality, her relationship with her ex-husband Liam Hemsworth, her drug use, her brash social media presence, and of course her music.

But those are dwarfed by the most recent revelation about Miley. It concerns her early life: and by early, we mean late 1963, almost thirty years before she was born.

According to newly analyzed news footage, Cyrus was present in Dallas for the November 1963 assassination of President John F. Kennedy, Jr.—and even tried to stop the killing!

MILEY IN DALLAS

Abraham Zapruder’s famous amateur film footage of the Kennedy assassination has been scrutinized over the years by everyone from government inspectors to conspiracy theorists. 

That makes it even more surprising that a key detail was apparently overlooked.

The image in question rises into view in the top left of the frame roughly sixteen seconds into the one-minute film.

What was previously thought to be a discarded paper cup or ice-cream cone wrapper has, with better resolution courtesy of the Historical Film Archive in Washington, D.C., been revealed as a tattoo of a claw on the arm of an unidentified person standing in the back of the crowd, just off the motorcade route.

At first, said Louis Ferruncle, who runs the Archive, no one thought much of it. “A tattoo,” he said. “Big deal. Maybe they weren’t as popular back then, but they weren’t unheard of. Marines got anchors. This person got a claw.”

But Ferruncle came to work one day and got the surprise of his life. “We had a younger man in the lab who thought it was similar to a tattoo on Cyrus’s right bicep,” Ferruncle said. “Further inspection revealed he was wrong. It isn’t similar. It’s the same tattoo.”

THE SCIENCE OF TATTOOS

According to current science, tattoos are as individual as fingerprints: even when they use the exact same design, certain features of the skin of the tattoo recipient change them slightly. “If it’s the same exact tattoo,” Ferruncle said, “then it’s the same exact person.”

Once Ferruncle and his lab realized that they were looking at Cyrus in the film, they applied advanced motion analysis and discovered a second shock: Cyrus, or at least the figure bearing the claw tattoo they now believe to be Cyrus, was running toward the shot. “We can do a fairly complex reconstruction of muscle groups,” said Alice Olitski, Ferruncle’s colleague and the head of the laboratory’s Kinetic Assembly Division. “We were able to determine that this person, who we’ll call ‘Miley,’ was running at top speed with her arms up. What we can see of the neck muscles suggests that ‘Miley’ was screaming ‘No!’” 

Cyrus, of course, was not able to stop the assassination. 

A JAGGED PATH THROUGH TIME

It is not known exactly when Cyrus traveled back in time. “I mean, we know it was to 1963,” Ferruncle said. “But we don’t know what year she was coming from. Was it 2010? 2011? 2012? I could list all the years, but the question would be the same.”

Other members of Ferruncle’s lab have their theories. “I went and did an analysis of her lyrics,” said Tommy Picoult, a junior systems analyst. “They led me to ‘Party in the USA,’ from 2009, and two lines in particular. First she says ‘’Cause all I see are stilettos,’ and then later she says ‘I put my hands up.’ Those lines are hidden in a song that seems to be celebrating partying, but Miley’s not as straightforward an artist as people think. On top of being a really talented singer, she puts things in her songs that make you think. That’s true of all the big hits, and even of the lesser songs like ‘Liberty Walk’ or ‘Robot.’”

Olitski, for her part, both believes Picoult’s theory and remains skeptical. “Look,” she said. “We’re dealing with time travel here. So Miley could have gone back from 2015 to 1963, tried to stop the assassination, and then stopped in 2009 on the way back to write the song. She might not even have gone to the past yet. It’s possible that she’ll read about our findings and get the idea that way. She could wait another ten years before going back.” 

“Is that a paradox?” Ferruncle added. “Sure. But time travel always is. That’s why I try to steer clear of that kind of thing.”

TOO MODEST TO ADMIT IT?

Cyrus could not be reached for comment. “Even if you could reach her,” Picoult said, “I don’t think she’d admit it. If it was something she wanted to talk about, she’d talk about it. But something like this, I have a feeling she would keep to herself. People don’t see it, but she’s a very modest person in some ways. And she has such courage. To have been in the spotlight this long and come out as such a complex, interesting person, and so beautiful, too…” 

Asked if he was the young man who first identified the claw tattoo in the Zapruder film, Picoult blushed. “Yes,” he said. 

The Historical Film Archive is now turning to footage of early aeronautics, with an eye toward establishing a firm chronology for the failed experiments that preceded the Wright Brothers’ successful first flight at Kitty Hawk.

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