HOLLYWOOD HOOPLAH by SaZu JeJune

ARE YOU READY FOR BRAD PITT FROM THE BLACK LAGOON?

BRAD’S VERY INTERESTED, SAY SOURCES

(Editor’s Note: WWN is happy to welcome legendary Hollywood gossip columnist SaZu JeJune to its staff. JeJune exploded onto the movie scene in the “greed is good” 1980s, when her access to Hollywood’s hottest and her freewheeling literary style was matched only by her regular “drunk and disorderly” arrests to secure her fame. She’s here because of a plea deal between WWN and the Los Angeles’ District Attorney’s office.)

Hello from Hollyweird. Universal Studios, stunned and delighted by the box office smashdom of its audacious take on “The Invisible Man” this year, is diving back into its classic monster roster to re-boot the classic “Creature from the Black Lagoon.” Rumor has it that this re-imagining of the original film will be high-budgeted and high class.

Supposedly, an offer has been sent out to Brad Pitt to play the Creature. In this version, rather than just being a prehistoric creature, the monster is actually the son of a Nobel Prize winning biologist (Nick Nolte) and a mermaid (Jennifer Garner). Thus, the Creature, named Finn, is incredibly smart and has an acrobatic swimming style.

Sources tell me that this Creature will be part man, part fish, ala the buff “Aquaman.” Pitt’s face will be solidly human with a few gills here and there. His torso will be ripped. His legs will be reptilian. According to a recorded pitch, this flick has Brad/Creature acting as an avenging angel.

When a group of rich hard-partying Amazon tourists kill the Holy Mackerel of the Black Lagoon, Finn sets off on a path of revenge that takes him above and below the water.

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“CELEBRITY CAGE MATCH!” A GO

With televised cage matches’ ratings sinking, producer Dick Hyman has announced a new Nextflix series, “Celebrity Cage Match!” Says Dick, of the Hyman Group; “We’re trying to get two established stars to go at it until an ambulance arrives. Right now, we’re in negotiations with Dustin Hoffman and Richard Dreyfus for the first episode. If it all works out? We’ll attract both young people who are sadists as well as the entire membership of AARP. My ideal cage match? Allison Janney and Meryll Streep. I can hear the Emmys falling!”

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Talks are, apparently, in the works to get Martin Short to star in a comedic re-boot of “Twelve Angry Men.” The story is essentially a verbal exercise as twelve men grapple with deciding whether a man is guilty of murder or not. Juror Eight, originally played by Henry Fonda, is the conscience of the group, eventually able to sway them to a not guilty vote. Martin Short has been cast in that role and has been encouraged by producers to “ad-lib the hell out of it and bring props.” Lee J. Cobb, in the original film, played juror three who was convinced that the defendant was guilty. He’ll be played by Jim Carrey. Expect hilarious hijinks with a dab of humanity. (The pie-fight has already been choreographed.)

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With the news of Brad of the Black Lagoon spreading around town, it was only a matter of time before Angelina Jolie announced movie plans. She’ll star in the re-boot of “Attack of the 50-foot Woman,” wherein a mad scientist causes his wife to grow to 50 ft.! Then, he sues her for divorce citing irreconcilable differences. For the rest of the movie, she stalks her husband and all divorce lawyers.

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“ZONTAR, THE THING FROM VENUS GETTING A RE-RELEASE.

Now that Francis Ford Coppola is re-editing his “Godfather 3” epic for limited release this December, insiders were waiting for another “classic” film to be re-patched and re-released. The honor goes to the 1966 schlock fest, “Zontar, the Thing from Venus.” Apparently, the rights were given to the film’s caterer after the death of star John Agar. Says Pinkie Squeemer; “We’re going to show a more sensitive side to Zontar. We have hours of extra footage that was thrown out, showing Zontar dancing and just cutting up. The guy in the suit was hysterical. He was also on acid. The new footage will blow your mind.”

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Ellen DeGeneres is rumored to be close to funding and starring in “The Passion of the Christ.”

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The release of “King Kong Vs. Godzilla” has been pushed back. Not because of theater closures related to the pandemic, but because as one source tells us, “It’s a bloated, boring piece of crap.” Reportedly, the anonymous studio involved is not only re-cutting the film but they’re attempting to make it more “sassy.” Says our source, ‘They’ve hired sitcom writers to come in to write voice-overs for the monsters. They’re both going to be gals armed with bitch-slap humor.” What would be the anonymous studio’s first choice as King Kong and Godzilla? “Allison Janney and Meryll Streep.”

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And that’s it for my first Hollyweird column, kids. I hope you enjoyed it. If you did? Please let the L.A. D.A. know. Toodles.

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