The J-Train is coming through and he’s got the dating advice you need!
Hottest Republican Nominee Spouse: J-Train Makes His Endorsement
You may not know this but in addition to being a Dating Advice Expert, I’m also someone who follows the political game VERY closely. The direction of this country matters to me, and I refuse to just throw a vote out unless I’ve studied every candidate intently. I’ve even created a foolproof mathematical system to determine the best possible candidate in any given election year:
Hotness of Candidate’s Wife + Sexiness of Candidate’s Wife = J-Train’s Vote
Think of all the great leaders this country has had: Washington, Lincoln, both Roosevelts, JFK. Now think of their wives; fine pieces of tail, every one on them. Not to mention we have to spend four years looking at this person on TV- thank God Barbara Bush hit the scene before I went through puberty. Since those dark days, we’ve actually been on a nice run. Hillary’s pantsuits always did it for me, Laura Bush was a complete babe, and Michelle Obama barely edged out Mrs. McCain during what I call my “Brown Period”. So when it comes time to cast my vote in 2012, I want it to be a competitive battle between the beautiful Michelle and the best Filly in the conservative race. With that in mind, I’ve compiled a list of my top five Republican Candidates (based on the hotness of their wife); with the number one spot being the ever coveted “J-Train Republican Endorsement”:
5. Carol Paul (Ron Paul’s Wife) - Ron Paul is known as “Dr. No” since he is in fact a Doctor and a politician known for voting against a lot of legislation. You know what Dr. Ron didn’t say no to? Carol’s subtle sophistication and class. She looks like that hot, experienced Grandma next door that’ll teach you the finer points of how to please a real woman while a pie cools on the windowsill. We the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union, want Carol Paul to rock our man-thoughts. She gets my endorsement for GILF; but this is a stacked field.
4. Gloria Cain (Herman Cain’s Wife) – Here’s what I like about Gloria - she’s sassy. She tells you what’s on her mind and doesn’t care what you think. She say’s things like: “Nahh Uhhh, ain’t no man gonna make you!”, and “You got that right!”, and “sukki sukki now” after someone says something awesome. I also loved her when she played Carl’s Wife on ‘Family Matters’ so that may be why she got such a high spot on this list.
3. Todd Palin (Sarah Palin’s Husband) - As we all know, J-Train loves him some ladies. Here’s what you may not know about the Train, he can understand a man’s beauty. If there’s one thing that Todd Palin is, it’s a beautiful man. This is a guy who can kill a bear with his bare hands and then ride his snowmobile across the Alaskan wilderness – slamming Boone’s Farm the whole time – to manage a BP oil company. That’s a man and one I can endorse for “first husband”. I also fully support goatees. The reason he only ranks at number three is because we are still waiting for Sarah to fully toss her heels into the ring.
2. Anne Romney (et al) (Mitt Romney’s Wives) – This was tough because Anne is a stone cold fox; she could clearly be number one on this list and secure my endorsement. What’s even more amazing is that she’s a Mormon, which means there could be ten more Annes that Mitt has waiting back at the house. I’m imagining these wild sexy parties with Mitt chasing all these girls around his house with his shirt off as they giggle and he pounds scotch. But, in reality, I own the ‘Big Love’ DVDs and I’ve seen how this drama plays out – less sex, more nag, and all those kids really cramp a Mormon’s style.
1. Callista Gingrich (Newt Gingrich’s Wife) - Callista is young, hot, and on her game but that isn’t the only reason she wins my endorsement; she wins because of Newt. He’s a stone cold lady-killer. He left his first wife while she had cancer and then cheated on his second wife with his congressional aide (and his now current wife). He sees something that might slow him down, like, you know, life-shattering diseases or menopause and, boom, he’s gone and onto the next. What a player. If Callista so much as catches a cold Newt will drop her and a younger even hotter version of Calista will take her place (hopefully). Vote for Newt and we’re guaranteed hotness for four years, whether it’s his wife or his mistress. I know I will.
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