CHICAGO, IL – Sears has worked hard to secure great Presidents Day sales by conjuring up the ghost of George Washington at its flagship store.
Customers arrived at the State Street store in Chicago early this morning to be greeted by the spirit of the first American president George Washington. Sears has admitted to using a company-sponsored seance to bring forth and trap his spirit. For today only, he is bound to the store’s entryway, forced to greet and entertain consumers. Local commercials featuring the unhappy ghost are bringing in curious residents by the thousands.
Every five minutes, Washington sighs and reads unenthusiastically from note cards. Some phrases he has been forced to utter include:
“Worry is the interest paid by those who borrow trouble. Sign up for hassle-free Sears Credit today.”
“I have no other view than to promote the public good, so please visit our Presidents Day Mattress Event in the Home department.”
“The Sears Catalogue is the guide which I will never abandon.”
“Guard against the impostures of pretended salesmanship. Who can counter our 15% discount on all appliances?
“Associate with men of good quality if you esteem your own reputation. Come see the softer side of Sears.”
Wal-Mart, one of Sears’ competitors, has countered by accusing the department store of witchcraft. A Wal-Mart spokesperson stated, “Of course we are not threatened by Sears’ unethical practices. Our customers want low prices, not devilish gimmicks. No God-fearing Americans are shopping at Sears today.”