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SUZANNE SOMERS TO LIVE FOREVER


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LOS ANGELES, CA – Suzanne Somers has recently come forward with the experimental hormone program which will give her eternal life.

On Thursday’s Oprah program, Somers revealed just a brief portion of the regimen which is expected to lock her in her physical shell forever.  Allowing cameras into her home, she told viewers about her daily regimen of sixty pills and eight vaginal injections.

Specialists at the Berkeley Aging Center developed the procedure to help reduce aging, but found it was so effective it could stop aging entirely.  Doctors agree that so long as she maintains the regimen, the Three’s Company star should be able to defy nature and live forever.

The key is the eight injections she must give herself every day.  While the pills keep her skin and hair looking healthy, it is the inter-vaginal injections that keep her metabolic process going.

When asked about the process Mrs. Somers said “It hurts,… a lot.  But that’s the price you pay!”

Should Mrs. Somers ever wish for the release of death, she would simply have to stop the program and nature would be allowed to run its course.  However, the inventor of the Thighmaster says she has big plans for the future, like opening a new theme restaurant.

Despite the reward of eternal life, no other interest in the treatment has been expressed, presumably due to the mandatory injections.