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FOSTER CITY,CA – Sony throws in the towel on fixing the Playstation Network.

“I can’t handle the pressure” and “For the love of God someone please help us!” are echoed throughout the halls of Sony headquarters in Foster City.

PlayStation Network (PSN) was turned off April 20 in the wake of an “external intrusion”. No one thought that it would be the day the network died. Now almost a week later, Sony has finally called it quits.

The PSN used to offer great streaming content where users could purchase or rent movies and television programs directly from Sony as well as allowed access to streaming content from great apps including Hulu Plus, Netflix, Vudu, and Music Unlimited. Not to mention that PSN also offered a variety of online content for many popular games. But those are the days of yore.

Games like Mad Blocker Alpha were supposed to launch this week for sale on PSN but clearly that did not take place. As a result of this flub and several like it, Sony is now racking up debt and executives at Sony have decided to put the hammer down on this money pit of a problem.

“We give up! We invite anyone who thinks that they can fix this to fill out job applications for Sony and immediately FedEx them to us,” said a junior level executive who wished to remain anonymous.

Two programmers have reportedly died while trying to fix the problem. Their deaths were similar in manner to the way that the children of Korea who live, eat, and play in internet cafés often die whilst playing World of Warcraft.

“We can’t take this anymore! No one else needs to die over this,” said a junior level programmer.

Those who think that they can fix this problem should stop reading this article and immediately send their resume to Sony. To apply for a job with Sony, go to and apply. Apply to any job, it really doesn’t matter. If you have any idea that might fix this problem, they will take you. They will take whoever they can get now. They are really desperate. Just make sure to tell them that good ol’ Pierce Blodyn sent you.