MIAMI, FL – Weekly World News uncovers the truth behind Tiger Woods mistresses. His wife went on a rampage that destroyed half of Disney World.
The truth has come out that Tiger Woods had multiple mistresses. Yesterday Woods announced in a press conference that he had let his family down with his behavior, but did not mention any specifics. Tiger’s press team leaked false information about mistresses to the public, to try and hide the even more shocking truth. Weekly World News investigators have discovered who Tiger was really having affairs with.
Mistress #1: Padma Lakshmi. Tiger met the Top Chef host and food lover at a fund raiser last year. Informants close to Laksmi say she once covered herself in $5000 of hors d’ouvres that Tiger then ate off of her, and she would often sprinkle him with white truffle sauce.
Mistress #2: Chelsea Clinton. Hot off the news of her recent engagement, Chelsea’s press team are adamant about covering up her brief affair with Tiger Woods.
Mistress #3: Betty White. The former Golden Girls star met Tiger at a celebrity Pro-Am tournament 3 years ago. Niether celebrity completed the tournament, and the two were later found by a caddy naked in a toolshed. Since then they have been spotted together only once, sharing wine over an early bird special. Reporters discovered sexy text messages sent between the two over the past 3 years. The content of the texts is X-rated, and many of them have pictures to accompany them.
It was this last detail that sent Tiger’s wife, Elin Nordegren, into a destructive rampage. Nordegren is half alien, and when her anger gets the best of her she changes shape into a large monster. Yesterday, presumably upon discovering that Tiger had multiple mistresses or finding any of the hundreds of nude photos of Betty White on his phone, Elin went on a violent spree that destroyed half of Disney’s Orlando location.
Madder than ever Elin grew to be over a hundred feet tall and destroyed Epcot. Frightened tourists were sent screaming as Elin tore apart the attractions, leaving plastic and plaster in her wake. Costumed actors dressed as Japanese Goofy, Mickey, and Minnie were left bleeding on a sidewalk, unable to get help and unwilling to break character. Before she could damage their flagship Spaceship Earth ride, Disney’s private swat team arrived and shot her full of elephant tranquilizer. Nordegren is in stable condition and highly sedated.
To keep the story from getting too large, Tiger Woods’ publicity team is continuing to feed the press information that he was only having affairs with 3 nondescript young women. No word yet on whether anyone will dare press charges against Elin Nordegren.