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ALIENS FOUND IN HEDGE FUND LEADER’S BRAIN

AlienFund

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Source: C-FOP Files – Enormous Cranium Home of Aliens Undisclosed Fund Leader – Foreground

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Source: C-FOP Files – On-Screen Cranium of Invaded Manager – Clear Symptoms Went Undiagnosed for Years

Boca Raton, FL – June 13, 2014 – Scientists at the Center for Financial Opportunism & Piracy (C-FOP) disclosed shocking research findings here that could amuse global financial markets while likely easing much Main Street head scratching.

“… family of 4 avaricious aliens had taken up residence in the cranium of… Wall Street activist’s brain.”

A 12-month intensive C-FOP team surveillance project discovered a family of 4 avaricious aliens had taken up residence in the cranium, and were largely controlling the functioning, of a Tier II Wall Street activist’s brain.

Sources precluded from identifying the subject, said the Clinton Group founder was resting comfortably under sedation but mumbled shockingly irrelevant critiques of various targets of his firm’s pirate-like invasions. The beings have since been excised from Greg’s brain, and he is resting comfortably on his hedge fund partner’s 115-foot yacht. The now pacifist investor is said to be sending fruit baskets and thank you notes to portfolio company managements while funding the formation of the Activist Investor Defense (AID) Fund.

“…he is resting comfortably on his hedge fund partner’s 115 foot yacht.”

The C-FOP inquiry was triggered by a series of incongruous statements made by the subject who’s surname sounds ironically similar to a word that means “levying financial burdens.” Fearing this individual was neglecting portfolio company performance and redirecting attention to tangential sound-bytes and trivial issues, C-FOP initiated a global research analysis of his actions and commentaries. Findings immediately revealed abnormalities, ultimately leading to his abduction and a brain probe that turned up the cute but dangerous little alien family pictured below.

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“…aliens hail from Gekko-Antar, a tiny planet in the shadows of … Ackman-Loeb and Icahn”

The aliens hail from Gekko-Antar, a tiny planet in the shadows of the larger & better known planets, Ackman-Loeb and Icahn.  Gekko-Antar is populated by opportunistic, win-at-all costs, little beings breathing a rare mix of hubris & omniscience and feeding on public attention. Little is known publicly about these rarely sited creatures, other than reputed previous Homo sapiens brain infiltrations, with similar reality bending, avarice-focused actions – launched at safe distance from where the real work is done.

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Source: C-FOP Files – Creatures from planet Gekko-Antar following excision from hedge fund manager’s brain. Rumors of a prior sojourn that disrupted hair follicles of D. Trump are still uncorroborated, but sort of make sense when you think about it.

“Thank God he’s safe,” commented directors at several companies that are current or previous targets of alien-fueled activist jousting. “He was really starting to piss us off – walking in and telling us how to run our business – with zero relevant experience, far less skin in the game, and some ill conceived concepts that are clearly non-starters to anyone knowing the dynamics of our business. This really brings clarity into the insanity we had assumed.”

Wet Seal CEO, Keith Stewart, who has been directly in the cross hairs of the alien-influenced propaganda attacks, commented, “Most of all, I’m really happy for his family – they get to their ‘Daddy’ back. We are saddened by the imagined the pain of alien-infused report card, piano recital or soccer practice critiques. But it’s over now, and we’re going to send him our biggest Invicta wristwatch as an olive branch/token of sympathy. The Board has authorized free shipping and 6 Value Pay installments, so it will be easy on his pocket book, keep him on time and remind him to shop with us each and every day.”

 Note: WWN Editorial standards have precluded the use of the term “investor” when referring to the subject of this article.