HAIRLESS HAWAIIAN GIANT TERRORIZES LOCAL FISHERMAN
HONOLULU, HI — Weekly World News has tracked many bizarre creatures over the years, from Bat Boy to Bigfoot. But none has been quite so unusual as the lonely creature that roams these beautiful South Pacific beaches at night.
“He’s a beachcomber you don’t want to meet,” said Kanoa, a retired fisherman. “The thing is about 10 feet tall, completely hairless, with huge teeth and a dark tan.”
The so-called Abominable Beachman is reportedly the last of his kind. He is said to have descended from a race of Hawaiian giants who once lived high atop the superheated volcanoes that dot the islands. Over the millennia, the scalding steam burned off their hair and baked their skin to leather. Their great size is said to be a result of having to take longer and longer strides to escape flowing lava or lift huge rocks to plug erupting vents.
For more than 50 years, the creature has been a closely guarded secret among the islanders. Part of that is safety. Those curious souls who have invaded the creature’s lair end up with their arms and legs twisted into pretzel-like knots. Part of it is also privacy.
“Too many tourist boats chase fish away,” said Kanoa.
Now, however, the 83-year-old widower has decided to share what he knows about the legendary monster.
“I need the money,” he shrugged.
HUNTING FOR THE BEAST
At midnight, Kanoa took Weekly World News out of his fishing boat. He rounded the coast to a rocky area that was inaccessible by land. There, he cut the engines roughly 100 years from a small cave.
“We dare not get too close,” said Kanoa. “He throws boulders to sink ships. Then he messes up the intruders and throws them back in.”
After half an hour, with the moon bright in a cloudless sky, a large figure emerged from the cave.
“It’s him!” whispered Kanoa. “You can tell by the size — and the smell.”
Kanoa was correct. The Beachman was huge and smelled like a barrel of mackerel. Stepping to the edge of his cave, the hairless giant leaped into the pounding surf and submerged.
“He has amazing lung capacity,” Kanoa said. “He can hold his breath for 15 minutes!”
Sure enough, just over 10 minutes later he broke the surface with a giant eel in one big hand. He dragged it to shore not far from where I had first met Kanoa. There, he tied it in a knot to kill it.
“He likes that fish the best, better than mantas and sharks,” Kanoa said. “You will hear him moan with delight as he feasts.”
Crouched on his hind legs and looking around to make sure no one was watching, the creature took huge bites from the 10-foot-long sea snake. As Kanoa had predicted, he groaned contentedly while he ate.
“WE DARE NOT GET TOO CLOSE… HE THROWS BOULDERS TO SINK SHIPS. THEN HE MESSES UP THE INTRUDERS AND THROWS THEM BACK IN!”
A SOLITARY LIFE
When the Beachman was finished, he cleaned up after himself, tossing the skeletal remains back in the sea. He took a brief walk along the shore before swimming back to his cave. The rising tide came in and washed away all traces of his footprints.
“His is a lonely life,” Kanoa said. “But then, whose isn’t? At least he has beachfront property.”
It was a brief but unforgettable encounter, Weekly World News will keep an eye on this strange, one-of-a-kind creature and bring you word of any new developments.
6 thoughts on “ABOMINABLE BEACHMAN!”
i believe it. i saw it running through king street after stealing a bunch of musubis from one of the local kids.
I think I saw it run through the drive thru @ Mickiedees. He had a shake and burger. Hmmm.
Mackerel don’t smell.
BRO I SAW ONE ITS TRUE GUYS
moth man a w