NEW YORK – Rapper Lil Wayne, who was just released from prison for illegal weapons possession, announced that he’ll be joining the priesthood.
Fans gathered in the parking lot of Rikers Island expecting to catch a glimpse of Lil Wayne and welcome the hardcore gangster rapper back to the music industry. But the excitement quickly evaporated when the rapper emerged wearing a black suit and clerical collar.
“I thought it was a publicity stunt for his new album,” said Lamar Brown, a Lil Wayne fan from Brooklyn. “I was expecting him to rip off his coat and start busting caps all over the place. But when he said he was seriously joining the priesthood, well, I just lost all respect for the guy.”
“This is going to cost me a fortune,” said Bryan “Birdman” Williams, Wayn’e manager and fellow New Orleans rapper. “I poured millions into this guy’s career and this is how he repays me? Oh well, at least we’ll always have our special kiss.”
This is the tender moment Birdman was referring to:
Wayne said that by committing his life to the church, he hopes to repent for his immoral lifestyle and obscene music.
“I have lived a mean and sinful life,” the rapper said in a press conference. “My degrading lyrics and annoying, whiney voice are sins against the Lord. I realize now that my true purpose in life is to serve God.”
“I’m tired of all the glamour and fame” added Wayne as he removed his 200 pound gun-shaped necklace and replaced it with rosary beads. “I want to leave behind this world of diamonds, money, and drugs and dedicate my life to the things that really matter. Jesus is my only homeboy now.”
The only other rapper to leave the music industry for the priesthood was Mason Betha, a rapper from Harlem better known as Ma$e. After serving 7 years as a pastor of his own church in Atlanta, Betha gave up the religious life and returned to rapping.
“I got tired of the whole celibacy thing,” said Betha in a phone interview. “What can I say? I like big butts and I cannot lie. The rap game is just too alluring. I guarantee you; Lil Wayne will be back to dropping bad, hackneyed mixtapes in no time.”
Wayne plans to open his own ministries in New Orleans with funds acquired from his multi-million dollar record sales. The ministry, aptly titled “Cash Money Ministries” will be the first ever church to include an all rap service.
“It’ll be so dope,” said Wayne. “All of our pastors are going to be rappers, and the whole service will be sung in rap. I’ve already got Timberland to produce the beats, and I’m thinking about signing Drake to be our choir director.”
Whether Lil Wayne’s decision to join the fold is a serious one or just another publicity stunt for his new record, I Am Not A Human, is still up for debate. But one thing remains certain: He certainly looks the part.
He’s gonna be SINGLE for the rest of his life. But he’s still KNOCKOUT.