Hello Americans,
Let’s see who needs a pat on the back and who needs a slap in the face. Keep the letters coming to editor@worldweeklynews.com.
CRYBABIES!
Dear Dotti,
I’m a great stay-at-home Dad, but moms shun me at the park ‘cause my kids swear and throw toys! How do I get a playdate in this town full of crybabies? – Signed, Good Dad, Perfect Kids, No Playdates.
Dear Can’t Take the Hint,
I can smell your annoying energy from here. Ask the Mom-squad how to stop your kids from hurling toys across the sandbox, and you’ll be asking me how to get the moms to shut up. Get your kids in line, and playdates will roll in. And stop swearing around your kids, damn it!
— Dotti.
ROAD RAGE!
Dear Dotti,
I’m medicating my road rage by meticulously planning the murder of every driver who cuts me off. I’m pulling plates off my dash cam and compiling addresses. My wife is concerned, but I think vigilante justice is the only way. We’ve agreed to take your advice because it’s cheaper than marriage counseling. – Signed, Dash-Cam Devil
Dear Devil,
When you’re done hunting down the scum clogging our roads, can I borrow your dash cam? Your plan will cost your marriage, and much, much more, but consequences are such a buzzkill. Here’s a tip: Spend your money on the defense lawyer before the divorce lawyer. Your wife’s testimony will be hard to refute.
— Dotti
ESSENTIAL OILS?!
Dear Dotti,
I attended a party on my block for “up-and-coming female entrepreneurs,” and now I have to sell essential oils or else they’ll be “poured down my throat.” I had to invest three grand just to leave the party! They told me I’m pretty and full of untapped potential. What should I do? – Signed, Oregano Oiled Up.
Dear Oregano,
“Untapped potential” is MLM for “still has money.” Unfortunately, you’re in the downline now, and the only cure is to fake your own death. If you can’t handle that paperwork, relocate somewhere where flattery won’t cost you three grand. I recommend remote Alaska. If anyone approaches carrying lavender and opportunity, put on your snowshoes and run.
—Dotti
Till next time, America.
— Dotti.
