MY AMERICA, OR LEAVE IT!

I’m madder than a bobcat with a burr in its butt about this whole renaming hooey with the Department of Defense! You heard right, folks—they’re finally calling it what it is: the Department of War! About darn time! For years, I’ve been screaming from the rooftops that we need to stop pussyfooting around with these namby-pamby names dreamed up by tofu-munching liberals in their Birkenstocks. “Department of Defense”? Sounds like a bunch of sissies hiding behind a picket fence, waiting for the bad guys to politely ask if they can invade. Hogwash!

Back in my day, we called a spade a spade and a war a war! Remember World War II? We didn’t “defend” against Hitler—we kicked his Nazi keister all the way back to Berlin! But oh no, after that, some pointy-headed bureaucrats decided we needed a kinder, gentler name so we wouldn’t scare the commies or the French. “Defense” my foot! That’s like calling your shotgun a “peace pipe” or your steak a “vegetable hug.” It’s all part of that globalist plot to turn America into a giant pillow fight. Well, I say bring on the Department of War! Let’s make it official: We’re here to win, not whine!

HOW ABOUT SOME OTHER CHANGES?

And get this—these renaming geniuses probably think they’re being all edgy and truthful now. Truthful? I’ll give you truthful! If we’re renaming stuff, let’s go whole hog. Rename the IRS to the Department of Robbery! Call Congress the Department of Do-Nothing! And while we’re at it, slap “Department of War” on a big ol’ sign with eagles and explosions, just to remind those pinko peaceniks that America’s got teeth sharper than a chainsaw!

But here’s the funny part—and yeah, even ol’ Ed can chuckle through the steam coming out my ears. Imagine the confusion at the water cooler: “Hey Bob, you work at Defense?” “Nah, it’s War now—pass the ammo with your coffee!” Or picture the recruitment posters: “Uncle Sam Wants YOU… to Blow Stuff Up!” Ha! That’ll get the kids signing up faster than free beer at a monster truck rally.Listen up, you tree-huggers and surrender monkeys: This rename is a step in the right direction, but don’t think it fixes everything. We still got illegals pouring over the border like ants at a picnic, and Hollywood pumping out more garbage than a landfill. But at least now, when we send our boys overseas, they’ll know it’s for war, not some fancy “defense” tea party.

NO MORE PATTY CAKE!

Oh, and let’s not forget about those fancy-pants allies of ours across the pond. They’ll probably wet their knickers hearing about our new Department of War. “Oh dear, the Yanks are getting aggressive again!” Boo hoo! Maybe if they spent less time sipping tea and more time building tanks, they wouldn’t need us to bail ’em out every time a dictator gets frisky. This rename oughta send a message: America ain’t playing patty-cake anymore—we’re in it to crush commies, terrorists, and anyone else who thinks they can tango with the stars and stripes!

And speaking of messages, I got one for the media morons who’ll twist this into some anti-peace propaganda. You bet it’s anti-peace—peace through superior firepower, that is! If calling it the Department of War makes one less wacko think twice before messing with us, then hallelujah! Picture the headlines: “U.S. Declares War on Wimpy Names!” I’d frame that on my wall right next to my John Wayne poster. It’s high time we got real, folks—war ain’t pretty, but neither is losing!

America, wake up and smell the gunpowder! Ed Anger signing off—proud, patriotic, and ready to rumble!