I’M MADDER THAN A SKUNK IN A PERFUME FACTORY ABOUT THIS AI TAKEOVER NONSENSE!

Folks, I’m so steamed I could boil a pot of chili with my bare hands! Everywhere I turn, it’s AI this, AI that, like we’re all supposed to bow down to some fancy computer with a god complex. I was chugging my Old Milwaukee and watching the news when I heard about Apple sniffing around to buy this Perplexity outfit, some highfalutin search engine that’s supposed to be smarter than a room full of Einsteins. I nearly spit my beer all over my John Wayne portrait!

NO ROBOTS ALLOWED

Let me tell you something, America: I don’t need a robot to tell me how to think, and neither do you! These Silicon Valley eggheads want us to believe their AI gizmos are gonna save the world, but I say it’s a one-way ticket to Lazyville! Back in my day, if you wanted to know something, you cracked open an encyclopedia or asked your uncle who fought in Korea. Now they want us to trust a machine that probably thinks a bald eagle is just a grumpy chicken. I’m madder than a porcupine in a balloon factory about this!

And don’t get me started on this “Project 2025” hogwash I keep hearing about. They’re saying it’s some big plan to gut public schools and turn kids into voucher-toting nomads. I say, good riddance to those government brainwashing factories! But you know who’s behind this? The same tree-hugging, latte-sipping liberals who want AI to raise our kids while they’re off saving the whales. I’d rather let a grizzly bear teach my grandkids than a computer that can’t even spell “patriotism” without a software update.

KEEP IT REAL

Then there’s this Morissette Amon gal from the Philippines, prancing around in some movie called Song of the Fireflies. Sounds like a snoozefest for hippies who knit their own socks. Why can’t Hollywood make real movies anymore, like Rambo or Death Wish? Instead, we’ve got folks swooning over a choir flick that’s probably got more sap than a maple tree. I’m so mad I could punch a mime!

And just when I thought it couldn’t get worse, I hear Massachusetts is putting some venture capitalist hotshot named Eric Paley in charge of their economy. A venture capitalist! That’s just a fancy word for a guy who gambles with other people’s money and calls it a job. I’ll bet my last dollar he’s got an AI assistant telling him how to run the show. Whatever happened to real leaders, like the ones who built this country with sweat and a six-shooter?

WHAT ED SAYS!

Here’s my Contract with America: Ban AI from everything except maybe sorting my recyclables (and even then, I don’t trust it). Bring back shop class, V8 engines, and TV shows where men are men and not crying over their feelings. And for Pete’s sake, stop shoving paper straws and foreign movies down our throats! I’m madder than a wet hen in a tote sack, and I’m not gonna take it anymore!

If you agree with me, send a letter to Weekly World News. If you don’t, well, you’re probably one of those AI-loving, kale-munching weirdos who thinks the future is a robot vacuum cleaner. Wake up, America, before we’re all taking orders from a toaster with a PhD!