CRYPTO KIDNAPPERS? I SAY STRING ‘EM UP!

I’M MADDER THAN A HIPPIE IN A SHOWER FACTORY!

Now I hear there’s a new breed of swamp-scum slithering through cyberspace: CRYPTO KIDNAPPERS. That’s right, folks—these pixel-pirates are snatching folks right off the digital highway and demanding their ransom in pretend money. Not dollars. Not gold. Not even good ol’ fashioned Chuck E. Cheese tokens. NOPE. They want BITCOINS. Monero. Dog-whatever. Garbage cooked up by pajama-wearing nerds who couldn’t win a bar fight with a squirrel!

One poor guy in Oklahoma clicked on the wrong cat video, and next thing you know, his webcam has him in his tighty-whities, and some weirdo in Belarus is demanding 3 ETH or the footage goes to Grandma. That ain’t a kidnapping, folks—that’s TERRORISM WITH A KEYBOARD.

KOMBUCHA KIDNAPPERS

These crypto creeps don’t just want your money—they want your soul uploaded to the blockchain! They’re hijacking your emails, your baby pictures, your romantic texts to the UPS driver—and holding them hostage! And what’s our government doing about it? Holding a panel! A PANEL! Probably sipping kombucha and making up pronouns while the rest of us are out here trying to remember if our passwords had a “$” or a “5” in them!

I say we bring back real justice. You kidnap somebody’s grandma’s recipe collection and demand Bitcoin? You get slapped with a hot modem cord and locked in a Yahoo! chatroom from 1999 until your brain turns to pudding!

And don’t get me started on the “crypto bros.” These punks in Miami are sipping kale martinis on yachts they bought with fake internet coins while the rest of us are trying to fill our trucks with $6 gas and buy bacon that doesn’t cost more than a tank shell.

OFF THE MACHINES

Let me tell you something: Back in my day, if you kidnapped somebody, you had the decency to leave a note, wear a ski mask, and hide in a cabin. Now these techno-toilets just sit in their mom’s basement, press a button, and boom—your hard drive’s in Siberia.

We need to shut it all down. Turn off the internet for a week. Make people talk to each other again. Bring back the Yellow Pages and rotary phones. You can’t get hacked by a guy in North Korea if your phone’s bolted to a wall and your computer runs on steam!

Crypto kidnappers, I got two words for ya: ROT IN AOL.