Folks, I’m so steamed I could fry an egg on my forehead! Airline travel these days is a one-way ticket to Miseryville, and I’m sick and tired of it! Back in the good ol’ days, flying was a treat—stewardesses in sharp uniforms, legroom you could stretch a horse in, and meals that didn’t taste like microwaved gym socks. Now? It’s a cattle car in the sky, and we’re the cows! I’m madder than a wet hen in a windstorm about the sorry state of airlines, and I’m gonna tell you why.
First off, the airports! These places are like mazes designed by a madman. You gotta hike three miles to your gate, dragging a suitcase the size of a Buick, while dodging those golf carts that beep at you like you’re trespassing on their turf. And don’t get me started on security! I’m all for safety, but why do I gotta take my shoes off, empty my pockets, and get groped by some guy in a blue glove just to board a plane? Last time, they confiscated my toenail clippers—said they were a “weapon”! What am I gonna do, give the pilot a pedicure at 30,000 feet? Gimme a break!
ALl ABOARD – NOT!
Then there’s the boarding process. It’s like a game of musical chairs, except nobody’s having fun. They call “Group 1,” “Group 2,” “Priority Platinum Elite,” and by the time they get to us regular folks in “Group 47,” there’s no room left for your carry-on. So you’re forced to gate-check your bag, and good luck seeing it again without a dent or a busted zipper! And why do they cram us in like sardines? The seats are so close together, my knees are making friends with my chin. I’m a red-blooded American, not a contortionist!
Don’t even think about the “amenities.” You’re lucky if you get a thimble of soda and a bag of pretzels so small it wouldn’t feed a hamster. Wanna eat something substantial? Fork over $15 for a sandwich that looks like it was run over by a baggage cart. And the Wi-Fi? Ha! It’s slower than a snail on tranquilizers, and they still charge you an arm and a leg for it. Meanwhile, the guy next to you is snoring loud enough to wake a coma patient, and the kid behind you is kicking your seat like he’s auditioning for the Rockettes.
The airlines love to blame “turbulence” or “weather” for every delay, but I ain’t buying it! Half the time, they’re just sitting on the tarmac because they forgot to fuel the plane or the pilot’s stuck in traffic. Last month, I was stranded in Chicago for six hours because of “mechanical issues.” Mechanical issues? Fix the dang plane before I get on it! I don’t wanna be sipping overpriced coffee in a terminal wondering if my flight’s gonna take off or blow up!
CHARGING ME FOR WHAT?
And let’s talk about the prices. You need a second mortgage to afford a ticket these days, and that’s before they nickel-and-dime you for baggage fees, seat selection, and breathing their recycled air. Wanna sit next to your wife? That’ll be $50. Want a seat that doesn’t feel like a medieval torture device? Cough up another $75 for “premium economy,” which is just a regular seat with a fancy name. It’s highway robbery, and we’re the suckers!
The worst part? The airlines don’t care. They’ve got us over a barrel, and they know it. You call customer service, and you’re on hold longer than it takes to fly to China. When you finally get through, they act like you’re the problem! I’m madder than a cat in a bathtub, and I’m not gonna take it anymore! It’s time we stand up to these sky pirates and demand better. Bring back real meals, real legroom, and real service—or I’m driving to Florida next time, even if it takes me a week!
Yours in righteous fury,
Ed Anger
