PIERRE, S.D. — Orthodontist Gerry Cawley was in a deep sleeping when he was startled awakened by a rumbling.

“My house started to shake,” said Cawley. “There were intense, bright lights shining into my window, blinding me. Suddenly one of those lights surrounded me and I was lifted into the air.” That’s when I passed out.”

When Cawley awoke, he found himself strapped to a metal table with strange creatures hunched over him, examining his body.

“They were some kind of alien species, poking and prodding me with instruments stranger than the ones I use.” Cawley said, “I was terrified.”

As Cawley stared at the aliens, he noticed that they had the most appalling teeth he’d ever seen.

“I couldn’t help it,” he said “My professional training took over. Each tooth faced in a different direction. Despite the circumstances, all I could think about was fixing those teeth.”

Before the aliens began probing in earnest, Cawley offered to work on their teeth in exchange for his freedom.


“They seemed confused,” said Cawley. “They started to examine their teeth in a mirror I had on me. Apparently, they gave little thought to oral aesthetics. I showed them my teeth as an example of how much better they could look.

“They talk among themselves in an odd language that sounded like pig squeals and taser guns. When they were finished one of them agreed to allow me to work on his teeth.

“The aliens — who I later learned to be Gootans – were able to synthesize the materials and tools I needed,” said Cawley. “I’ll have to admit, I was intimidated. Gootan teeth are three times larger than human teeth and made out of some type of material that’s stronger than metal, but also malleable. Adjusting their position would be difficult. But the principles were the same as on earth. It took the 50-gauge wire to realign them, but I was successful.”

Cawley put braces on the teeth of all the aliens. “I would have used Invasilign or clear braces, but I didn’t have the tools to do that.

When Cawley finished, they were impressed. He asked if they would take him back home in exchange for his work. But rather than let him leave, the Gootans asked him to live among them and set up practice on their home planet.

“I was tempted,” said Cawley. “I would be quite successful as the only orthodontist on Gootan. But I couldn’t leave my friends and family behind. Besides, they were going to pay me in coins made of glowing goo.”


The Gootans were angry with Cawley’s refusal until he reminded them that as the only Gootan with perfect teeth, they would be the most attractive males on their planet.

“Women look at two things. Hair and teeth,” said Cawley. “The latter is taken care of. And since the aliens were bald, these guys had it made.”

The Gootans decided to take Cawley back home. He arrived safely and was reunited with his family and friends. BUT, he is sure he will be abducted again soon. Once the other Gootans see the work I did, I am sure they will all want braces.

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