When WEEKLY WORLD NEWS heard rumors of a gnarly monster stalking New York City, we began to investigate. Unfortunately, no New Yorkers had heard of this prehistoric creature. Finally, we were contacted by a roving mime, who said he’d seen the creature near where the old Fulton Fish Market used to be in South Manhattan. “He didn’t seem ferocious so much as introspective,” said our source as he tried to get out of his box and walk against the wind.
Following the lead, this WWN reporter wandered around NYC’s South Street Seaport. Eventually, we came across a nine-foot-tall…thing. It was prehistoric-looking, with a reptilian body; upright like a raptor, tail flailing. Its head was hairy, two curled trunks emerging from its cheeks. Instead of having reptilian feet, it had fur-encased cloven hooves. It didn’t seem happy.
“Are you the Gnarly Monster?” we asked.
“No,” the beast smirked. “I’m the friggin’ Easter Bunny. Whaddaya got, cataracts?”
Its tail made a whiplash movement. “Sorry, I’m havin’ a bad time, here.”
“If you want to talk, we’ll listen,” WWN vowed.
After a minute, the Gnarly Monster spoke up. “I’m a gnarly monster, right? So that’s what I am. My gig is to scare people. People aren’t afraid of me. They’re actually pissed at me. ‘You’re not wearing a mask.’ ‘You’re not six-feet away.’ Dammit! I’m a gnarly monster! I don’t get sick!”
How can it be sure? “Well,” the Gnarly Monster continued, “Back in 2012, Hurricane Sandy flooded Manhattan. It was a sh*t storm. The flood carried away millions of prescription pills. Whole drug stores were washed clean. And it all flowed into the Hudson and East Rivers.”
“SO? I GOTTA NATTITUDE.”
“The bottom of the rivers were churning, arousing the fish. So, the fish are gettin’ it on, anointing every wave around ‘em, and pills are just arriving in avalanches. That’s how I was born. Sperm ‘n’ pills ‘n’ prehistoric bones. I figure I’m part Mastodon, part Grallator, maybe a little Blue Fish with just a touch of ex-bookies. As I grew and formed, I opened up my new mouth and ingested swirling VHS copies of all the episodes of ‘The Sopranos,’ ‘Crime Story’ and ‘Jersey Shore.’ So? I gotta an attitude.
“On the plus side, my blood-pressure is great. So’s the cholesterol. Bones are ‘aces.’ And, I’m allergy free.” He sighed. “But if I can’t scare people…what am I here for? I’m havin’ an Existential crisis, heah.”
But surely he must know he has a purpose. Maybe not to frighten but…
The Gnarly Monster brightened. “Well, just between you and me? I’ve discovered I have a positive effect on people. Maybe that’s why I’m here.
“You know how Godzilla has that radioactive breath that incinerates people? Well, I have breath that is a combo of Prozac, Xanax, and downers. If I show up and there’s an argument, a mugging, a protest where both the police and protestors are going crazy?
“All I have to do is waddle in there, get in their faces, and exhale. Sometimes, it takes three or four big ol’ breaths but, eventually, people wind up hugging each other and giggling. It’s kinda cool. I’m just tryin’ all this stuff out, learnin’ as I go.”
So that was his purpose for being here in a time of need! The Gnarly Monster was created to get people to chill-out. He laughed out loud. “I should’ve talked to you six months ago! I coulda saved a fortune on Tums and Ouija Boards.”
He stood up, shook his fur, licked his tusks and turned to WWN. “Now, I’m off! There’s a big protest in front of City Hall. This one could take hyperventilation!”
He trotted off and called, over his shoulder: “Better living through science!”