HOW TO TELL IF YOU’RE IN A CULT

Many people around the world attend gatherings, community groups, religious services, or secret organizations even during the pandemic. Some do it on Sunday mornings, others do it on different days or nights of the week.  When you are surrounded by the people in your chosen group you may find that you ask yourself: “Am I in a cult?'”

Well, we’re going to dig deep here to help answer that question: There are clear telltale signs that you are actually in a cult.


MONEY

Everybody wants money. Most legitimate organizations (often churches) want up to 10 percent of everything you make, sometimes less if you’re lucky. A cult wants 90 to 100 percent of your money and worldly possessions! In other words, a cult is a blood-sucking vampire that drains you of all you own.

TIME

Yes, you can be very active in your group, dedicating large chunks of your time.  But a cult monopolizes ALL of your time, except when you need to go to work. And it’s important that you go to work, so you can give your money to them! This is a clear sign you are in a cult.

Charismatic Leader

Let’s face it, you don’t want to follow a leader who is just some drab, boring, old white guy. These guys are typically someone who couldn’t find a date for the prom or a friend to toss a ball to. But they are not a cult leader. Cult leaders always have a dynamic personality, baby! They play music, sing, are athletic, have long-hair and a brilliant smile. People are drawn to a cult leader like vegans are drawn to cauliflower rice. Sure, cult leaders may be a bit aggressive and demanding at times, but they are oh so captivating.  If you feel like you need to be around this person twenty-four hours a day – you may be in a cult.

ALIENS

As much as we all love aliens, if you’re in a new group and they telling you they are from Planet Gootan, you’re probably in a cult! You may want to stay on earth just a wee bit longer. If they won’t let you leave until you sign a gazillion-year contract with Pluto’s moon, you may be in an Extraterrestrial Cult.

DRESS

Most people wear their ‘Sunday best’ when going to church. Cult groups take this much further. Strange robes, matching tracksuits or even strange underwear having magical properties can all be part of a cult required attire. There are no hard and fast rules about this and we all have our fashion sense. But if they make you wear magic Spanx – you may be in a cult.


Handlers

A personal shopper or valet can be a fun and luxurious experience when out and about. But if you just got involved with a new group and you got someone assigned to you to watch your every move, well it’s not for fun! They’re watching you and you just are now an official member of a cult.  Say goodbye to your free-wheeling Target days.


Sex orgies

No self-respecting cult is complete without sex orgies. If, one day, you go to your group meeting and the charismatic leader tells you that you must partake in a group orgy OR if he tells you he is going to have sex with your wife and three other members of the group. Well, that probably means you’re in a cult.   If the charismatic leader as you to have sex with him (or her) whenever he (or she) wants. That is another good sign you are in a cult.


Apocalyptic Obsessions 

Many cults have an unhealthy obsession with the end of the world.  If they go on about this, find the nearest door and use it! If they have stockpiles of weapons, rations, etc., it may be a Doomsday Cult. Leave right away, but stay on good terms with the other members, just in case they’re right. 


Miscellaneous 

Do they require you to shave your head? Put on Nikes and drink the poison juice? Try to recruit other members? Do they purposely try to get celebrities to join the group to gain credibility?  Is the organization’s founder a criminal? Mentally unstable? A former science fiction writer? An out of work salesman? Be on the lookout.

If you answered yes to any of these crucial questions, then you are probably in a cult. If you can, leave. Or call friends, family (if they let you), or just — run! If you are unable to do any of these things, you may be stuck. Hopefully, you can move up the ranks and maybe someday you’ll be the cult leader. There’s a lot of benefits. Money, admirer, sex, and maybe even life after death.

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1 thought on “HOW TO TELL IF YOU’RE IN A CULT”

  1. Ok, I just want to ask anomynously there’s a leader I like. He’s the greatest! everybody keeps saying he’s stupid and corrupted a bunch of other things but I don’t care if he shot someone. I photshipped his head on a ripped bod. I have a bunch of flags and signs with his name on it and drive my pickup truck with th flags, em I in a cult? I AM NOT IN A CULT!!!!
    Also, I like Ed Anger a lot. not in a gay way

    Reply

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