HORMEL HAMS SMUGGLED INTO COLORADO!

It has been several months since Hormel Foods Corporation CEO, David Crotty was dragged into a Twitter flamewar with Colorado’s most famous citizen, Bill Merry. Weekly World News will not be reporting on the Twitter exchange as it can be seen in it’s entirety on Bill Merry’s Twitter feed. It is most certainly an entertaining read. 

Bill Merry, Colorado’s most famous citizen.

Immediately after the impolite exchange, Mr Crotty made a serious decree. One that has far reaching implications. 

No more Hormel products will be shipped to Colorado.  

“Not a single sausage link will be sent anywhere near that Merry character!” Crotty explains. “I’ve had enough with him throwing his celebrity around and up in my face! Let’s see how he likes a little peer pressure from the locals when they have nothing to serve alongside the turkey this year at Thanksgiving. Not to mention Christmas! What’s Christmas without ham?  Who’s a potato face now, Bill? Huh, who!?!” 

The ban on shipping Hormel products to Colorado hasn’t stopped devout worshippers of the salty, cured treats. They have instead turned to the dangerous underbelly of the streets to score a pound or two. Motorcycle gangs in the Boulder area have stopped running guns and selling drugs almost completely. Their major source of income now is smuggling Hormel hams across state lines.

Two small hams expertly tucked away for travel.

“It’s like that movie, Smokey and the Bandit, but without the beer, the semi trucks, the kewl car, the car chases, or the catchy tunes.” Says motorcycle club member, Beats Kelly. “Now that I say it out loud, I guess it’s not really much like the movie after all.”

ILLEGAL HAM?

The local state troopers aren’t as fooled as the gangs would lead us to believe. WWN spoke with Sgt. Laredo Asheville about the smuggling.

“We don’t really bother the smugglers unless they are disobeying a traffic law. It’s not illegal to bring ham into Colorado. We don’t enforce bans sanctioned by private businesses. It’s not our job. We just wish they would be a little more low key about it. It’s nothing like that Bandit movie! No matter how much they keep trying to make it!” Asheville declares with a commanding yelp. “I ain’t gonna be in hot pursuit. I’m just not.”

One large ham being smuggled across state lines.

Weekly World News reached out to Bill Merry for comment. The only response given was a grainy gif sent via text of a hand slapping what we hope was a large, creamy slice of ham…..we hope.

Another large ham in transit.

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