TARANTINO TO VISIT “OZ?”
WILL KURT RUSSELL BE THE NEXT COWARDLY LION?
Hello, from Hollyweird, boys and girls.
Word is hot on the streets of Hollywood. Come to think about it, with the fires and heat waves, everything is hot on the streets of Hollywood. This is why you should stay hydrated and wear sensible clothing.
This hotness concerns director Quentin Tarantino and his sudden interest in “The Wizard of Oz.” Could “Oz” be the most groundbreaking film in his career? We asked Tarantino insider Buster Cherry Muldoon for his opinion.
“I’ve found evidence that Quentin is definitely up for a ‘re-imagining’ of ‘Oz.’”
“What makes you a Tarantino insider? What evidence do you have? Are you a legit source?” we asked.
“Well,” Buster bristled. “It just so happens that I go through his garbage every week, Miss La-Dee-Dah. Any hard copy he tosses out, I grab. If it’s shredded, then I piece it all back together. Post-It notes, scribbles, I have it all.”
According to Buster, “This one is going to be a beauty. Imagine! The Yellow Brick Road with rivers of blood running down it.”
“I’d rather not, thank you. Tell me that Toto lives.”
“Sure!” Buster beamed. “He has more chops in this version, too, disemboweling dozens of flying monkeys. What a pro!”
Buster explained that Tarantino is framing the film with a nod towards the politics of the 1930s and 1940s, when the free world was facing a rise in global Fascism and dictatorships and war was on the horizon. “That is very much the Oz backdrop with the four wicked witches of the North, South, East and West putting the pincers on freedom-loving Munchkin Land with their ultimate goal being a total takeover of the Emerald City. The flying monkeys act as the German Luftwaffe, constantly strafing and bombing. Dorothy (Uma Thurman), the Tin Woodsman (Tim Roth), the Scarecrow (Harvey Keitel) and The Cowardly Lion (Kurt Russell) will all be suffering from PTSD symptoms.
The Tin Woodsman saw his family dismembered for parts!
“Dorothy witnessed the death of her parents in a threshing machine accident. She is completely traumatized. The Tin Woodsman saw his family dismembered for parts. The Cowardly Lion was only a cub when hunters killed his parents. He’s always blamed himself for not showing ‘courage.’ He’s blamed himself for not showing his inner lion. The Scarecrow saw his entire family perish in a grass fire. So, these four fractured souls embark on a journey to heal themselves and their healing will actually defeat the evil festering in the Land of Oz. I mean, that rocks!
“Along the way, they encounter a shaman (Samuel Jackson) who teaches them how to kill witches with his devices, think ‘Super-Soakers. He keeps the flying monkeys at bay with rocket-launched nets. The freedom fuse has been lit and is growing shorter as the heroes enter Oz, after thwarting a blitzkrieg attack on Munchkin Land and killing the North and South Evil Witches.”
BIG THIRD ACT TWISTS
“When the Cowardly Lion ‘Lions-Out’ in the finale, he lets it rip and limbs start flying. The Tin Woodsman gets his heart by plunging his fist into a guard’s chest and removing one. The Scarecrow gets his brain ‘zombie-munching’ style. And Dorothy? She channels her anger and goes full martial arts.
“All four of them, along with Toto, defend the Emerald City and its residents, including the cowering Wizard (Christoph Waltz). Dorothy tosses the Wicked Witch of the West overhand into a hot tub. By the time Dorothy utters those famous words ‘There’s no place like home,’ she’s healed. And she has a fully-healed family. When she travels back to Kansas she’s joined by transformed freedom fighters: Tinman, Crow, and Lion.
“They land in Kansas and are ready to kick ass. There are Nazi sympathizers out there in America, fascist sympathizers, and racists. Quentin could get a whole series of films outta this.”
I cleared my throat. “How much of that plot have you embellished?”
“Me? Embellished? I’ve been clean for five days.”
“Okay, how about much have you ‘made up’?”
“I may have, uh, tweaked a few…
“A few what?”
“Okay. I made it all up. I typed it up last night and slid it under Quentin’s front office door. This morning, I saw it in his garbage.”
He held up the typewritten page. “It’s covered in something.”
“That would be vomit.”
“I guess he didn’t like it,” Buster concluded, growing silent while letting the pungent page ‘floop’ onto the sidewalk. Finally, he spoke up. “Does this mean I won’t be paid for the scoop?”
“I have a switchblade in my purse.”
“Nice to meet you, Ms. JeJune.”
And with that, he scampered away.
HEARD AROUND TOWN
In other news, Mickey Rourke has been signed to host the new Fox Show “Celebrity Growling.” … Cardi B has withdrawn her lawsuit against would-be rival Cardi AC, who lived up to her name and dropped dead last night. … Lindsay Graham may star in a regional theater production of “Annie Get Your Gun” in December. …
TV legend Rosanne Barr is allegedly putting together a cooking show for 2021. Entitled “Shaddup! Just Eat It,” it’s the first TV cooking show not to have anything fresh in the recipes. An anonymous source said: “It’s going in a full blue-collar direction. You rely on canned food and frozen food bought in bulk as well as snacks that can be zapped in the microwave.” Do the show’s producers envision any possible problems? “Well,” our source gulped, “Right now, she wants to do the whole show while nude. While that may be a solid visual choice, I worry about the practicality of it. When she bends over a stove? It’s either going to result in a burn unit showing up or a serving of the most distorted Macaroni and Cheese in human history.”
Well, my darlings, that’s this installment of “Hollywood Hoopla.” I hope you enjoyed it. And, ladies out there, no matter what the weather condition is always remember: wear sensible shoes!