PROFESSORS TO GET TENURE INTO THE AFTERLIFE!

TENURE LOCKED IN FOR ETERNITY

Tenure gives professors the right to teach and do research for their entire lives. Now, thanks to a surprise ruling from the Illinois Board of Education Labor Affairs, tenure also means employment after death!

Just about everyone was shocked by the 7-2 ruling. But not labor lawyer Joe Melon. “I knew that the denial of tenure rights to the deceased was never going to stand when it was finally challenged. The dead can vote in Illinois. Now they can teach too.”

The labor dispute started when Professor of Classical Studies Dr. Martin Crocks of the University of Illinois died suddenly of a heart attack. That normally would have been the end of Dr. Crock’s career. However, his estate sued when his paychecks stopped. Martin Crocks Jr (His son) said, “The guy dies and you stop paying him? He has tenure for goodness sake. Work out accommodation!”

CHALLENGES TO OVERCOME

The dispute went to court and Dr. Crocks won. He has been immediately reinstated with full back pay. The University of Illinois is working frantically to make accommodations under the Americans With Disabilities Act by hiring a medium to conduct seances for classes Dr. Crocks is now going to be assigned to teach. Illinois Provost Dr. Martha Smith noted, “This is a tough one. We have to make many changes to distance learning before. This really stretches the definition of distance education.”

An appeal is in the works from the University of Illinois. However, Joe Melon expects nothing will change. “We have to face this new reality. Justice has prevailed. Tenure for the dead means that tenure has finally reached its full potential.”

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