“I’m Already Dead!”

Wearing a mask to stop the transmission of the Covid-19, has become a political statement to some. The world is exposing “Karens” who shun the idea. But one zombie, a former Florida man, is blasting his former employer for firing him for NOT wearing a mask!

“I’m already dead”, exclaimed Frank, who is a registered Zombie, according to the 2020 Census. “It’s my right! I didn’t die of a sickness- I was hit by a car!”.

Frank used to work  for a division of the U.S. Government, although he can’t tell us what department.

“It’s not that it’s a security issue, I just forgot. Past life and stuff. I don’t even know what my last name used to be. I’ve been dead a while, that’s why I don’t need a mask. The only way I’m contagious is if I bite you”.

Last week, Frank reported to his cubicle like normal, sans mask. But when a supervisor asked Frank to put a mask on, Frank refused. Then the supervisor let Frank go from his job.

“No questions, suspensions or reviews- just the pink slip and the heave ho.

After 23 years – 20 live and 3 dead! I was never was late and never called in sick. I even came to work the day of my funeral! “


According to a recent employment study the U.S. Government employs the single largest amount of Zombies. All  government employees, alive or dead,  are required to wear a mask unless they have a medical reason as to why they can’t, according to the latest mass memo.

Going to the doctor was NOT an option for this, now out of work zombie.

“What part I AM ALREADY DEAD don’t people understand!  My HMO co-pay does not cover more than one autopsy a year! Every day one of my co-workers had rotten fingers breaking off on the keyboards or ears falling off while listening to voice mails. They don’t need a doctor’s note. Last week Stan in HR sneezed and blew his face off- what good did a mask do then but to catch his nose? The lunchroom looked like an FX show!”

When asked if he is thinking of filing a  discrimination lawsuit, Frank said:

“I have already contacted my attorney. That supervisor was a little too re-animated, if you know what I mean! It definitely was a hostile work environment! Just because I am dead doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings. I’m putting my resume on Missing LinkedIn”.

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  1. FFS , cant a zombie just go about their business without worrying about Government interference ??
    What ever happened to the pursuit of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness?
    I hope the reporterette, Tammy , can get to the bottom of all this, pronto!
    Im waiting. USA USA SEP 2020

  2. Something that the media don’t cover is the amount of vampires employed in the call centers that you phone 24/7 — haven’t you ever wondered where they get all those people for the night shift when your laptop has a problem at 4 a.m. and you call the Help Desk?

  3. Hey, Zombie, it’s not about you! Masks help stop you from spreading COVID and whatever else you’re carrying to others! Get a brain (but this time use it, don’t eat it)!


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