“HE’LL NEVER GIVE ME A STRAIGHT ANSWER,” SAYS WIFE.
According to Missy Smith of Failedview, Georgia, her husband Bruce had lost his personality to a very powerful Magic 8 Ball.
“Bruce was always one of those guys who’d scream at the TV news, as well as a guy who’d cling to his childhood toys when he was stressed. One night, we were watching the pandemic news when he just exploded. He started bellowing at the TV. He, then, picked up his Magic 8 Ball and smashed it into his forehead. As soon as the blue goop started to run down his face and the ‘answer’ cube fragmented into his head, he became distant.
“I called the police who decided he wasn’t dangerous, just stunted above the eyebrows. Paramedics confirmed that assessment. I decided to call Weekly World News to see if they could offer any insights.”
Weekly World News sent this reporter to interview Bruce and we came face-to-face with the man; a fellow whose facial expression resembled a bounced check. The following is an excerpt from our session.
THE SESSION GOES AWRY
WWN: Are you Bruce Smith?
BRUCE: Without a doubt.
WWN: Are you possessed by a Magic 8 Ball or are you just someone who is nuts?
BRUCE: Better not tell you now.
WWN: Why not?
BRUCE: Ask again later.
WWN: Are you just nuts?
BRUCE: Signs point to yes.
WWN: Are you doing this just for attention?
BRUCE: My sources say no.
WWN: Who are your sources?
BRUCE: Better not tell you now.
WWN: Is this part of a scheme to remove you from the perils of real life?
BRUCE: Reply hazy, try again.
At that point, WWN had had enough. We shook Bruce. We shook Bruce Hard.
WWN: Are you a fake?
“ARE YOU A FAKE?”
He seemed stunned. He glanced about the room, nervously. His wife, Missy had had enough. Picking up a box of playing cards, she hurled it at Bruce, yelling: “I can’t take this anymore!”
The box of cards hit Bruce squarely in the forehead, bursting. It was the most magnificent game of “52 Pick-Up” in history. The force of the blow knocked Bruce out. He landed next to this reporter’s feet, recovering when he smelled our socks.
He began to howl, “Yes, definitely! You may rely on it. Without a doubt. It is certain.”
He began sobbing and slid down in his chair. “I just don’t know how to react to anything, anymore.”
His wife embraced him.
WWN: Try focusing on the positive aspects of your life. Do you like baloney sandwiches?
BRUCE: Why, yes, I do.
WWN: Then, make a baloney sandwich. And, when you eat it? Declare to the Magic 8 Ball fragments: “The power of baloney compels thee. Flee! Flee!”
He did as he was told.
By the time Weekly World News left the scene, Bruce was free of his 8 Ball curse and wiping mustard off his lips after eating his third baloney sandwich. The box of cards had left a dent in his forehead. WWE asked him how he felt.
“I was flushed for a while,” he said flashing a thumb’s up sign. “Now, I’m feeling… ‘Aces!’”
Weekly World News hurriedly left the home as a newly infuriated Missy ran into the room carrying a box of lawn darts. “This stops now!” she declared. We knew we’d see the couple again.
😂😂😂😂😂😂 I remember Huntz Hall used to find himself with similar predicaments in the old “Bowery Boy” pictures, so it brought me elation that these things still occur. As always, a number of hysterical lines here very worthy of placement in my mental comedy file. 👏👏👏